1 step forward, 1000 steps back - part 2

[mdu]

So the conversation happened. I would say it went pretty well in terms of me controlling myself. Had one weak moment but then quickly got back on track. Unfortunately I think it went quite badly in terms of H and his interest in doing what I need to feel safe but I’m interested to hear others perspective. I took notes as best I could, interested in feedback!! Did I totally, totally screw up? It was a really tough conversation because he did NOT want to talk and had kind of a defensive tone. I asked a lot of questions, I don’t know if that was the right thing but if I hadn’t, there would have been NO conversation. Ugh, I really don’t know what to do now. I know everyone says that I don’t need to make any decisions right now but I’m really anxious because she’s coming MONDAY and H and I are more disconnected now than EVER. This latest development has really put a strain on us. Interestingly, H did not bring up the transparency plan at all. Which I coincidentally gave him the other day. And he has not let me know about meeting with an individual counselor, something he said he would do. All does not bode well IMO. But he’s such a bad communicator that it’s truly like pulling teeth so I don’t how to factor that into all of this. I’m kind of feeling like I need to just go totally dark (or as dark as you can with kids).

*Started out with lots of silence. Each apparently waiting for the other to say something.
*Chatted about kids a little to break the silence.
*Another LONG silence
*Me: So do we have anything to talk about tonight? I’m wondering what you’re thinking and feeling about things.
*H: I don’t know. I’ll go and get my work done and that’s that
*Me: Have you come up with any ideas or solutions to help me feel safe in the marriage?
*H: I don’t know what to do. I could work from home sometimes but that’s not really feasible. Do you have ideas?
*Me: No, not really. How do you think you will feel seeing her?
*H: Awkward
*Me: Do you think it will stir up other feelings for you?
*H: I can’t answer that until it happens
*Me: What will you do if she tries to come into your office and talk to you?
*H: I will tell her not to. I can shut the door
*Me: How close will her desk be to yours?
*H: About 20-25 feet away.
*Me: So there’s really no avoiding her?
*H: No
*Me: What will you do if you’re both there late?
*H: In her role she works certain hours and leaves by a certain time. I will be sure to leave when my friend D does so I’m never in the position of being alone there with her.
*Me: Where exactly did she move to? Why did she move?
*H: She moved to be close to her sister in X city.
*Me: Do you find it surprising that she would put you both in this position?
*H: I don’t know, it’s a much closer commute to where she has moved to. I can’t imagine her passing it up.
*M: How do you think she'll act around you?
*H: I don't know, we're at work so she'll make it about work
*More long silences so finally I decided to sum things up:
*Me: So can you just sum up again the things you are thinking in terms of helping me feel safe in the marriage.
*H: I can make sure I am not alone in the office with her. I won’t talk to her unless it’s work related, there will be meetings with her that I won’t be able to avoid.
*M: What about social events at work, like going out to lunch? What if everyone goes to lunch and she gets invited?
*H: Well I will have to go sometimes otherwise it will look weird if I don’t go every time she is invited.
*M: (here is where I lost it a little): So you would go to lunch with her? But H! that is how the A started!
*H: (annoyed sigh)
*M: Ok, thanks for your honesty and thanks for answering all my questions. Do you have any other thoughts or ideas?
*H: No
*M: Ok, thanks, have a good night, good-bye.