I would like to make a decision... and stick to it... based on MY feeling, not what he thinks or might feel. I do want it to be my decision.... MINE.
Earlier, when I made a decision... I feel I was told that I was doing it for the reaction. This held me back... as it was part true <<<< but not 100% true. It may be part true, but not wholly. I was deciding based on MY feeling but worried about what the other posters were saying/thought, as well as HIM too... and that was altering my decision. I felt I was not able to stand behind my decision, because I was being judged.
I am going to go with my initial response... to say NO. No, because I am not ready to be a friend. Honestly, I am too involved/interested in him.... & am still trying to drop the rope (not for his reaction), but because it is healthy for me to pull away from him. Just because I still worry about his response DOES NOT mean that it was/is my sole reason for doing so. It was actually a small part of my equation.
Yes Matt... I do hope that "ONE day" he will come around. This is the little bit of hope, I am placing on a shelf. However, you and everyone are right... I keep thinking that each & every thing he does, is an attempt at coming back. I keep working on my detachment... but I do get tripped up by his gestures. It would be easier if he didn't make offers.... I do understand the concept to move on with my life (but keep a window open)... I just keep thinking that these offers of hanging out, etc, is him climbing in the window... and I am afraid to not recognize the effort. Fearing that he will give up because "he tried".
I understand that I need to not be available, because I am not available.. not for the reaction... but, I can't help but be curious of his reaction...when he is displaying one. I am not EXPECTING ONE.. at all.. just surprised that I get one at all. And of course, that makes me happy.
I don't understand why "I don't think its a good idea, right now"... is a bad thing to say... I thought it was good & suggests that "maybe later" might be a better time (after he is finished his MLC!!)
When I ask which of these 3 things should I say.. is NOT for the reaction... its because I am that scared! I don't want any 2x4's!! I am trying to state the right thing that I want to say for me & appease everyone here...so that I can feel good about my decision. IF you don't like what I was going to say...please tell me what you would say! I am not doing it to make him feel bad, manipulated etc... its just what I thought was the right way to say what I was saying. Thanks for suggesting it comes across as manipulative.
I do understand that I need to not care about what others think... but everyone has an opinion and I am trying to do what is right....for me. This is a new behaviour for me. A 180. But, I still feel like I need to defend myself.
Matt, you ask... if he wasn't at the party, would I still go? Firstly, I was not invited on my own.. Would I go.. for sure!! I love his family. Secondly, you ask if I am going because of him... truthfully, yes.. that too! Yes, I would love to continue relationships, but at this time it does seem difficult to do..... so, how does all this equate? (see my confusion?)
OK... tossing my hands in the air... not caring what he thinks why I am not going. I am not going because we are not in a relationship & I am not ready to be "friendly". I cannot be friendly yet, because I still want more from him and I need to do what is right for me. If this makes him pull away further from me... then so be it (I guess),.... because if he ever truly wants me he will make more of an effort. If he doesn't, that speaks volumes as well.
Ken... I will DO THIS/say this through ACTIONS.....thank you. As for the "buffer" its partly true, he doesn't want me to "think" its a "date".... but its also a way that he feels he can attract me to go. He can go to that work party by himself... and so can I.... He is asking if my DD can drive us ... together, so we can drink (attraction) & because he thinks we should be there (excuse... he never cared before).
Matt... if I showed up at that party, his family would question what's up!! Appearances!! Also, we purchased another car for my DD tonight... my DD posts it online & his cousin writes back.. "does this mean they are back together?".... see? sheesh!
Starsky... thanks... OK... he is not entitled to a reason. This is a new concept to me. What would you say then?
Sandi... thank you... I do need for my goal to not be what he thinks or feels. Thank you!
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Also, he was pretty happy today... apparently the other offer on the property is expired as of today. I believe tomorrow he gets to present his offers. He seems relieved.
Last edited by makingmagic; 07/18/1402:30 AM.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
