My heart is heavy for you and Mrs. Dev. That had to be very hard for both of you. Clearly she is very conflicted and struggling. As long as the OM is in the picture, there isn't any chance to even contemplate on reconciling.
I think there were several important takeaways from this discussion. Mainly that the W is unable to break away from the OM and possibly refusing to do so. I find it interesting that W perceives this inability as being the right choice. That is very, very flawed thinking on her part. It is all based on warped emotions.
-my W hasn't seen how anything would be different over the last 6 months to make her change her mind. She is scared things would be the same.
I am curious. Has W noticed and/or commented on any of the 180's you've done? I would hope you've made changes to your own patterns, issues, and habits that are not conductive to a healthy M.
-my W thinks that we need to have a friendship before any talk of a R, and this is where I get stuck, because I have stated we will not be friends if there is an OM involved. I reiterated this again, after she questioned me.
It is clear that she's wanting to hold on you as a part of her cake-eating binge. Not good. I am glad that you reiterated that you will not be a part of a third party marriage. Good job! -my W was under the impression that she would move right back in if we R, and I reiterated that that was not an option, she would keep her own place and we would have to start over, dating etc.
Nicely done!
-we agreed to meet more frequently and get the S details sorted out. Finances and custody. W is now aware that she needs the kids to have financial stability, so her attitude has changed. She told me this. She wants them more. I told her I'm concerned about their health and hers.
Why is this a concern for you if W wants to have the kids more often? Is there something here that we're missing here?
-the main stumbling block is how awful she feels around me. She feels terrible about herself around me, and her despair, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts develop. She feels we bring out the worst in each other. She doesn't want to be irritable and angry
It is all on her. As you probably know, it is just a matter of perspective and perception. She is involved with the OM right now so her views are very skewed right now.
I hope you've heard some of her main complaints about you and made some 180s that you can live with permanently. For if there's ever a divorce, you'll be a better man and partner for someone else. Preferably for W, right.
-she stated she loves her kids, but wishes she never had them
This says it all right there. W is really messed up in her head.
Going forward, the S will allow her more space, financial implications will occur, and then I guess we will see what happens. I'd like to delay if possible. But she needs space.
Yep. It is a part of the process.
What I highly suggest for you to do going forward starting now, is to do the following:
-get a L to represent you pronto -have your L communicate with W and ask if she has any legal representation -have all financial, separation, legal discussions handled through L -do not meet with W over separation or any other legal matters -GO PITCH BLACK DARK with zero communications with W -only email/text W about logistics with children (school, dr. visits, etc. -if W attempts to reach out to talk about you stuff that are not related to kids, then don't respond and direct all legal matters to L and instruct him/her to inform W that she is not to speak or discuss legal matters with you
If W gets angry, simply ask her "Are you still with the OM? You remember the boundary about not being friends as long as you are still involved with OM."
Stick to your guns on this one. I know that all of this look scary and may think that it will fail. Nope. I believe it will have the necessary effect on W to jolt her into realization that she has a stark choice in front of her:
Continuing with the OM or lose her H & family.
I am sure other posters will chime in with their experiences and thoughts.
