Finally found DB...New here

[KGirl]

MLP-

I'm going to be frank. I'm glad that you're following DR but I'm concerned you're picking and choosing certain phrases and ignoring the others in giving him space to have his A/ignore the OW but then basically doing everything he wants despite him not ending it. You quote this part of DR:

"He needs time to think, feel, and experiment, even if part of his experimentation involves another woman. If you start making demands right away, you will probably lose him. There may not be much that you can do right now to make things better, but there are a ton of things that you can do to make things worse like interrogation and issuing demands." p. 259

and you ask this: How do you stop cake eating if you're not acknowledging affair?

Yes, give him space. But I don't think setting some boundaries about how you want to be involved with him is making demands or interrogating him. I've seen many examples on here from others (Starsky and Wonka) of how to do this. I've pulled some example phrases from a letter on Devaste's thread right now that illustrate setting these boundaries when there's an OP:
"I am not willing live in an open marriage with a third party....It is incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage and our family. We will co-parent our children, and I will of course be civil and courteous, but this isn't how 'friends' treat each othe....Going forward starting now, as long as you are involved in an affair with the OM, our communication only be focused on the logistics of the children's schedules, their issues, and exchanges."

I think that last sentence is the biggest disconnect between what I've seen recommended on here and how your situation is going. Like you mentioned earlier, situations are unique.. but what you've been doing hasn't seem to have gotten you any close to your goal. And it seems pretty clear that you're not comfortable with how things are and OW potentially still being in the picture. You don't have to discuss the affair. You're not demanding he end it. You're simply stating what is OK for you. If you don't want to do that explicitly through words, do it through your actions, and if he asks why you are "cold" or not engaging him, you can respond with how you aren't interested in maintaining a friendship or a relationship while there's someone else in the picture. From how I am reading this, you're giving him all kinds of attention and doing everything he wants - playing video games with him, talking about going on a trip with him, flattering him and stroking his ego... but he also has OW. Where is the incentive for him to end that? I don't see any. He gets the best of everything - all of your attention AND whatever is going on with OW.

I understand you might not be ready to lay it out like that. But I encourage you to think about that.

Another thing - one of my H's complaints was I didn't compliment him enough. Someone gave me wise advice early on that while that's something I could 180, I also need to remember that I shouldn't be the source of H's happiness about himself. He needs to just genuinely be happy for himself and his accomplishments, and any other acknowledgement or appreciation from others is the icing on the cake, not the cake itself. I worry that you may be taking on the main burden of lifting your H "up" rather than him being proud of himself. Something to consider.

Have you read the part in DR about when they won't end the affair? That seems appropriate for this situation. Basically she says do the last resort technique, and I think there are aspects of this you are incorporating, but you seem a little too concerned about meeting his requests and needs, going out of your way to do things with him, etc. If things still aren't working , then there's the "after the last resort technique." Again, maybe you're not here yet because it's your last shot. I guess you'll have to decide that. But it involves backing off completely - only logistical things necessary to maintain a household and parent your kids. "Continue this emotional cutoff until your spouse gets the point that there will be no relationship of any sort unless the OP is completely out of the picture." I think the answer to "how do you stop cake eating if you're not acknowledging/discussing the affair" is here, but you have to be ready and willing to implement it without waffling or caving in.