So here goes. Well, I got an agenda just before she showed up. A verbal one. On the menu was really a discussion of moving forward with a more formalized S, with custody and finances organized. W is tired of feeling in limbo. Welcome to my world. We didn't get into the nitty gritty because we also spoke about the letter that I sent her and the one she sent me, as well a brief mention about the OM. Here are the highlights, of course this is what I heard, and hopefully my improved listening skills are catching more.
-my W has tried to stop with the OM, but has been unable to (this was the extent of the conversation) She feels her inability to stop indicates the right decision for her. I didn't argue this in any way. Just STFU even though inside I wanted to explode
-I acknowledged my part in the demise of our R, and explained the OM does not matter to me, except moving forward the OM affects our chances to R
-my W hasn't seen how anything would be different over the last 6 months to make her change her mind. She is scared things would be the same. There is still tension between us. She is very scared. I'm not sure how I can change this. Maybe a formalized S agreement will give her the space and reduce tension over scheduling.
-my W thinks that we need to have a friendship before any talk of a R, and this is where I get stuck, because I have stated we will not be friends if there is an OM involved. I reiterated this again, after she questioned me.
-my W is worried she would live under a microscope and doesn't think I would ever forgive her. I told her that it would take time, we would have a different relationship, and trust would need to re-established.
-my W was under the impression that she would move right back in if we R, and I reiterated that that was not an option, she would keep her own place and we would have to start over, dating etc
-we agreed to meet more frequently and get the S details sorted out. Finances and custody. W is now aware that she needs the kids to have financial stability, so her attitude has changed. She told me this. She wants them more. I told her I'm concerned about their health and hers.
-the main stumbling block is how awful she feels around me. She feels terrible about herself around me, and her despair, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts develop. She feels we bring out the worst in each other. She doesn't want to be irritable and angry
-she stated she loves her kids, but wishes she never had them
So in summary, really, she is still with the OM. She told me it's a nothing relationship, but he is now her best friend. Bottom line nothing has changed. I feel so frustrated that she feels that she has been testing our relationship possibilities over the last few months while I've been in safety guarding mode. I know everyone has told me this, but really while she is with an OM, it's difficult to be the spouse only a fool would leave, especially trying to do LRT
Going forward, the S will allow her more space, financial implications will occur, and then I guess we will see what happens. I'd like to delay if possible. But she needs space.
I'm really in a sad space, because I miss my W as a friend, and I realize that I am truly losing her now. I'll pick my head up in a bit. Just a reality check. The optimist that I am, I listen when she says things like I'm not ready right now, and I'm scared and think there is still opportunity. Is that bad? I need to rethink some goals, and carry on.
