Hi Ken... thanks for the reality statements...I am letting them resonate.
I am not trying to be manipulative or to have R talk. I do not want to reiterate that I am "waiting" or that I am hopeful he will change his mind. I am trying to give a reason that is honest.
Based on:
1) he is being friendly with offer 2) he wants my company (has mentioned numerous times he enjoys our time & wants more time like that) 3) he said he is concerned about what others think 4) concerned about displays of public affection
^^^^ Yes, this is ALL ABOUT HIS thought.... that is why I am wanting to respond to HIM. In other words, "thank you for the offer, I understand that you enjoy my companionship, but You have concerns about what others are thinking... and that is ANOTHER reason, why I don't think its a good idea right now"
... why let family think we are getting back, when we are not?
With the above in mind.... I want to give a fair statement that explains. I do NOT want to have another R talk.. I fear that now too!
Thanks but no thanks is not enough.... I need to be able to state why... don't I? HE needs to get that I am not MM on demand, on the shelf... waiting for him... Especially when he STILL does not know what he wants with me.
Last edited by makingmagic; 07/17/1407:18 PM.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Yes, MM it's actually pretty straight forward. It's either, "sure, I would like to go" or "thanks for the invite but I can't" Period. End of story.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
MM, I confess, I am with Ken here. Stop. Just stop thinking about the party and if you should go or what is the right thing to do or how he may feel or what you should say if he says this or that.
Now, let's look at where MM is right now. You are still holding onto hope that he will someday someway come around and want a R with you again. You know that is true. It doesn't matter if you have dropped the rope are detached or anything, just admit that that is true. OK, now he has made it VERY clear he is not wanting a R with you except as 2 work together "friends", not even friends more like partners in business. He isn't EVER going to be wanting a R with you unless something changes and it will take a long consistent change. You need to just do what you want to do. Just say what you want to say. The "trick" is you must be totally detached from any expectations from him, NONE! MM, what you just aren't getting is that until you give up and just live your life for you, Stop caring what he thinks or doesn't think because you know that he just doesn't want a R with you and you are better off without him, you will never get through this! If someone you knew asked you to go to a party and you didn't want to go, what would say? If you don't want to go with him..say that! If you want to go just say you want to go. If you're worried about being alone with him, meet him there. I went to a party in a small house with my W there and I was totally able to spend most of the time without her anywhere near me. The times (like cake cutting) I had to be around her I was just me and acted how I wanted to act! You just don't seem to be able to do anything without thinking how it affects whether or not you will ever have a R with him! The sooner you realize that the R you had with this guy is OVER, forever, the sooner you can start to heal.
The concept of getting on with your life but leaving a small opening in case he gets through the tunnel some day is just one you aren't grasping. If you don't go please just say because you don't want to go. The things you want to say are manipulating him to "feel" a certain way. Whether that way is him knowing you are dropping the rope or to feel badly because of the way he has treated you doesn't matter. The idea isn't to get him to notice that you aren't going to be available for him anymore, it's to just not be available! Believe me, he'll notice. You don't need to tell him! (Which is what things like "I don't think it's a good idea right now" is designed to do!). This is what is so hard for us! We keep trying to tell you the number one thing you must do is just except he is gone and not care what he does or doesn't say or do! Once you do this the rest is easy!
You keep saying you don't care, you don't do anything to get a reaction from him but then ask us questions like "Which of these 3 things should I say?" and every one of them are designed to get a reaction from him! To get him to SEE your detaching or you're not going to be available for him or whatever! You just aren't seeing that as much as you want to think you are detaching, not doing this or saying that to get a reaction from him your questions are telling a totally different story! This is why so many people on here get frustrated MM. If he wasn't going to be at the party would you want to go? If the answer is yes, go. If the only reason you are going is because of him, don't go. Simple.
I want to stay a part of my in laws lives and have 2 kids that are part of that family. I enjoy being with them with or without my W. That's why I went. Do you want to stay a part of the in laws lives even if EXBF never comes back? If the answer is yes then it's up to you to keep that relationship.
MM, we are really trying to help you here. I know you want to think you aren't caring or aren't trying to get a reaction from him but you just show over and over by the questions you ask that that just isn't the case! Like I said, you MUST drop the rope and not care if it makes things "worse" or "better", don't even look at his reaction to what you do. Until you GAL apart from him and enjoy that life you will not be attractive to him or anyone else. You are not allowing yourself to move past him (which I know you didn't want but he does and you have no choice)and find a way to be the best MM you can be. You are allowing him to define your life. He just doesn't want a R with you. Feel it (I know it hurts) but get past it!
Thanks but no thanks is not enough.... I need to be able to state why... don't I? ---No.
HE needs to get that I am not MM on demand, on the shelf... waiting for him... ---No.
Especially when he STILL does not know what he wants with me. ---No.
anything that needs to be "said" is done through Actions, not words.
and you are absolutely on the shelf, all this discussion on whether or not you attend a party proves it.
HE KNOWS what he wants with you. He says it very clearly.
BUT YOU dont want to accept it, so you claim he's confused or not sure.
His inviting DD is to force a buffer between you two, its to protect him from you. Its to show YOU that its not a date.
why? because he knows that you will misinterpret it and start thinking its a date. HE knows.
Its only after you start your R talks that he starts waivering - and this is NOT because he doesnt know what he wants, its because he's doesnt know how else to say it so that you'll finally get it.
so he rewords his position and you misinterpret it.
the same thing happens here. you ask the same question multiple times, we answer that question changing the wording trying to help you understand, and the rewording confuses you more.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
NO! You do not need anymore than a simple "I don't want to go" or "I want to go"!! Stop thinking about what he is concerned about or what you THINK he wants (yes he says he enjoys your time together, so did my W! It's his ACTIONS that tell a different story!) And stop worrying about whether his offer is "friendly"! he has totally dissed you, treated you as a sex object, lied, talked about other women, the list goes on!
My w's family doesn't think we are getting back together just because I went to a party. It's how you act at that party. Dam it MM, STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM! THINK ABOUT YOU!
The last line in your post says it ALL!! YES HE KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS WITH YOU! HE DOESN'T WANT A R WITH YOU! This is where you are getting hung up, MM. He knows that he doesn't want you the way you want him too! He is absolutely certain of that!
Those are not reasons to explain. A thanks but no thanks is probably all he really wants anyways . I don't think he likes the song and dance and constant reference to your relationship status.
As a man, I can state with 100% confidence that he does not!!
MM, as someone who used to take the bait from my ex and held onto the "I'm confused" statements like my life depended on them, trust me and everyone else posting to you that it is glaringly apparent that your ex does not want a relationship with you. When they say "I'm confused" or "I don't know what I want" or "not right now," (AND YES, THOSE WORDS CAN KEEP US VERY STUCK)..... That is a clear NO even if they don't realize that. Believe me, if they have to question their feelings, then they are not really there. Not in the way they should be. I get the desire to stand by them when they appear to be lost or confused, I used to hurt so bad for my ex, and what he supposedly was going through, that I pushed my own feelings and self-respect aside. It is painful to read your posts because I see the old me in them and my friends IRL were telling me what people here are telling you, and I just didn't/couldn't pay attention. I know how hard it is!!!!! I kept thinking I dropped the rope way before I really had. It took me years because my ex moved back home after a long separation and then stayed in the marital home for an equally long period of time. I wanted it to work out so bad because of my son and also because I was extremely co-dependent on him emotionally. I am 6 years past the first bomb drop and don't even recognize that person I was. BUT it took a long long time, and my heart took much longer than my head to catch up. I think you WILL get there, but I don't think you are even close yet...it's a very long process and it happens in bits and pieces, and sometimes when you think you have dropped it, something will happen and you will realize you haven't dropped it or at least not all the way, but then you trot on and as time goes on little by little you will start uncurling those fingers more and more and the rope WILL fall.
I just think you are expecting that once you "say" you've dropped it, it drops and it just doesn't work that way. And not to alarm you but for someone who is as co-dependent as you are, it is going to take years to happen. And when it happens you will know it. You will feel such relief to not be that emotionally tied. Because being that dependent is PAINFUL and exhausting. Baby steps.
