WAH didn't walk away. He's home. He says he's never leaving me. He wants forever with me. He just has a "friend" who makes him feel good about himself. Except she doesn't. He feels guilty. She's just young and has big boobs (I don't.) and she flatters him. And - as someone here told me at some point: even though he's "home," he's already gone.
He said I'm smarter than she is. He said I'm in better shape than she is. (Months and months ago.)
She makes more money than I do. AND she doesn't make him feel guilty (whereas I do...).
So - what can I change?
Well...I can flatter H more and make him feel important. (Honestly - we're both very smart. We challenge each other intellectually.)
I didn't really show interest in his things like computer games. When we first met, that was impractical, since most people didn't have multiple computers. Now we do. Can I play? Sure. Okay. Doing that.
I also focused much more on our children and less on him. Fair enough. I can work on that, too.
OW loves sports. So fine - I like soccer and baseball. We've watched a lot of soccer together. I draw the line at hockey. I used to like hockey. She's a fanatic. I mean, seriously...I'm not supposed to become OW, and I'm not going to. I don't want to. I think she's pretty loathesome.
There are some battles he's going to have to fight all by himself. The other day he said, "You act like your poo doesn't stink!" He was mad at me because I didn't lie to change the date of a social obligation. This man was as honest as the summer day is long before this happened, so to hear him suggest that I lie and be mad that I didn't was astonishing to me. I'm not going to challenge my integrity. I honestly think that was him projecting his own disgust and frustration with himself on me at that moment.
Definitely have not told everyone I know about the affair. My therapist, and a few friends. No one in either of our families, with the exception of our daughter who only knows that Daddy cheated - she has no more information than that (and she discovered it because she found a book on infidelity in a dresser drawer).
So - working on changing myself. Being happy and pleasant (which was NOT me for the first seven months following the affair...). Detaching. No snooping. No asking any questions about either our R or his R with OW. Basically GAL without asking him for any assistance. Looking for a job (so I can make more money; more for me than for our marriage).
Waiting for him to sort out his own issues. I can't do that for him. He's got to figure that out all by himself. He thinks OW is an addiction (per a suggestion that my therapist made that I shared with him about two months ago...).
In the meantime, I flubbed my own 180 today. He desperately wants positive affirmation from me. He emailed me an article, and suggested that he and I should take a class. I agreed with him and he said, "Your husband is a wise, wise man." Instead of stroking his ego "Yes, you're so smart and strong and handsome!!!" I said, "So, let's look for a class, wise guy!" Funny - okay...but not breathlessly swooning, which I think he would prefer.
I've got to really dig deeeeeeep to get there. I feel pretty sure that's what OW gives him. He feels strong and powerful and smart in her presence. I make him feel guilty because he's getting his awesome feelings from someone other than me.
I seriously used to adore this man. Now.... Oh man, I would LOVE to be breathlessly swooning over him, but buyer flipping beware.
I feel like life is a series of if/then statements right now. If you want to regain my trust, then lose the OW. If you want me to breathlessly swoon over you again, then earn my trust again.
If I want to save my marriage, then I have to DB...and ignore the OW for now. And wait it out. And work on myself.
