Still here GG and thanks so much for checking in on me!!!
I have been doing alot of thinking about my M and my H and where he is at. Some snooping too I have to admit - can't seem to stop, though I am doing it less and less now and my reaction to what I find out is less emotional now.
My detaching is getting better too but still not quite there yet........
I have been over to the MLC forum and have read alot there - my H has all the signs of an MLC along with most of the behaviour.
I have read all your posts over there too GG and I find it uncanny how similar your sitch is - while there are significant differences, the similarities of your sitch (and many others on the MLC forum) are weird.
I too discovered my H's profile on a few dating websites and I also set up a fake profile (complete with fake photo!). I didn't have to wait long before he messaged the 'fake' me (this was on one of the more 'innocent' dating sites (to find 'friends')and the first thing he asked was 'could we meet?'. This was without any introduction or preamble. I answered that I would like to know more about him. This led to me asking a series of questions and getting answers.........
So, apparently, his first 'wife' died (they were never married) and his second 'wife' (that would be me!) lives in another country and he is amicably separated from her (news to me - both the 'amicably' and the 'separated'!). Can you be separated from your H if no-one else knows, your 4 children, your family, your friends???????????
Anyway, it actually amused me a tiny bit, annoyed me alot, but ultimately, I just felt sorry for him. Interestingly, he never asked the 'fake' me anything about myself, he asked for more photos (not easy when the first one was fake!!) and I (fake 'I') said that he was only interested in photos and not real people and that I didn't want him sending me more messages. I had to stop, it was getting too weird..........
I have also seen his profile on a more 'risky' website, detailing his sexual preferences ('voyerism' WTF!) and I was a bit disgusted - and ashamed for him (there was even a photo!)and also very sad for him and our children. On this website he was 'not married' and had 'no kids'.
So, recently, as I posted before, he was emailing the original OW, she wants more, wants commitment (from a 'cheater'!!), wants to to have a relationship with him that he does not have to hide from his family. His answer is that 'he loves her' but 'too many people would be hurt'. Her answer is that she is being hurt and he is being hurt because they are meant to be together, they are soulmates and love each other. She does seem to think that she is 'special' and has no idea of the lies he has told her. He is very manipulative, always was a bit, but this is more extreme for him.
I can't understand why she thinks she is so special and why he doesn't just get on with it, - he is hedging his bets, cake-eating and being unbelievably selfish. Could it be fear, fear of making a mistake, fear of losing me and his family????????
She may well give in and go back to him on his terms - she is thinking about it, so I think she will and I can't work up to caring either way. In a weird way, I wish he had stayed with her so he would have to reveal his true self, he has hidden it well from her so far.
Also, a bit like you GG, it might make him understand that he is very lucky to have me!!
So, for the past few weeks, I have been thinking about lots of things:
Why is it a good idea not to let him know that I know what he is doing?
I would prefer if he knew, because in the past when I talked to him about how he was living his life, it did make him 'reflect' (and leave the OW!). He is an intelligent man, cultured - this other personae is sleezy, but he doesn't see this (I think!). If it was pointed out to him by someone he knows loves him and has his best interests at heart (without a mention of 'us' or 'the future') maybe he will 'reflect'.
So, my dilemma now;
He flies in on Saturday to an airport some distance away, has a few business meetings near the airport and is planning to come 'home' on tuesday for a week. How do I act around him, with all I know (and all he doesn't know I know!), I can 'act as if' but as I don't see him very often (with him living in another country) should I be trying to make the most of his time at home to get him to 'reflect'?
He sits at our kitchen table in front of his laptop when myself and our youngest D are a few feet away on the sofa and I know he is looking at dating websites (I know this for certain) and pictures of girls as young as his eldest daughter (24) - do I ask him to stop this, he doesn't know I know??? Don't know what to do.............
I know I am supposed to believe none of what he says and that has helped somewhat but there is one thing that always stands out to me and I have attached some significance to:
When he had decided to leave OW and before I knew about MLC and replay and all the rest (and not 'asking questions'), I asked him why he couldn't tell me he loved me. He answered very emotionally that it actually means something when he says it to me (as opposed to saying it to OWs) and that he wanted to 'reserve it'.................
GG, I have examined my M in a similar way to you and have come to similar conclusions, I was there for him but too many years of being ignored, not being listened to and not being respected made me back off. I should have tried harder I'm sure and if I knew then what I know now I would have made him feel more special in my life - I ended up focussing on my children and I am sure that he felt unappreciated - I never told him enough how much he meant to me, how much I respected him, how much I loved him (he didn't tell me these things either but it appears he needed it more than I did). I used to try to get him to talk to me about how he was feeling, but he couldn't or wouldn't open up - he was emotionally immature and I simply gave up. He told me that when his company went into liquidation he was depressed and nobody noticed - that was true because he didn't act any differently, he hid his true feelings.
I listened and validated during this time (before I even read anything about MLC), I knew he was in a bad place but had no idea just how bad it was. But I was there for him and he knew that - he knew he could talk to me but he wouldn't / couldn't and now he is a crisis..........
But hindsight is wonderful. I have grown and matured so much during this crisis, I have learned so much and would love for him to have the benefit of this but I believe that he would expect no change in our M if he came back to it - how do I convince him otherwise???
So much more to say......
I want to do what works, but am not sure if I am doing that, it feels like I am enabling him to stay in his crisis. Could that be true? From all I have read, it doesn't seem to matter too much what the LBS does or doesn't do, other than perhaps let the MLCer know that you will be there for them when they come out the other side - this I have done. It feels like enabling though.
Thanks again GG for checking in on me, it means alot!and by the way I think you are doing great, your enlightened attitude to your sitch is helping me to detach more, plus you make me laugh and I love laughing........
And yes, 'kindness' is everything to me, always was and my H was always so very kind, what he doing now is the opposite.....
I don't talk to anyone about my sitch other than the kind, thoughful, helpful people here, so thank you all.
