I am glad you are taking a break from the boards for a while today. You've been given the necessary tools from posters yesterday...it is all right there for your perusal and review.
I know folks have said that it's his mess, he needs to clean it up but shouldn't this ideally be a mutual problem solving discussion?
What you say seems to make sense. However, it is important for H to do the heavy work here and clean up his own mess. You don't want to swoop in and contribute. Otherwise how would he learn that his choices has consequences? Like a boy breaking a window by hitting a baseball in the neighborhood. His parents will say, buddy...you made a mistake and you need to apologize and pay for the damage. Same with your H.
For instance, one thing I keep thinking is if we just had more time that could make quite a difference. More time to reconnect and rebuild our relationship, more time to work on ourselves, more time to get H home. Basically more time to get our relationship on more solid footing to face this. H could buy us some time by working at home, doing some travel (I could go with him), taking some vacation time.
Engaging in 'what ifs' isn't doing you or H any good. This is the reality right now. Life will throw curve balls your way without any warning. The OW move is one of them. You're trying to take back control by wanting to have H home to relieve your own anxiety and fears. Not good.
Maybe H might be able to work from home. You just don't know what is possible at the company. It is up to the company's president/CEO. There are some things that we cannot control when it comes to the workplace issues.
In terms of keeping it together tonight, I think one thing I'm realizing is I need to focus on myself first and foremost. Just do and say the right things, regardless of what H is doing or saying. That is what I should do no matter what, whether interacting with H or anyone else for that matter.
Don't make it all about you. It is about the M. That's where the focus needs to be. You're a team in the M.
I also keep coming back to that I need H home.
That need is feeding into that anxiety. It is not a good way for H to come home. You want to see that H wants to come home because 1) he wants to 2) you both feel ready. Not out of need, but out of a desire to do so.
MDU, you are strong, smart and independent. You don't need anyone to boost your self-esteem. It is all on you.
This is about ME and ultimately showing to myself that I CAN do this. I can be emotionally strong no matter what comes my way. That is the person I WANT to be. Give me strength to be it.
Yes, you can DO this! If you hear something painful or difficult, just take a deep breathe and say, "H, this is very hard to hear. I need time to digest this information."
My plan for today is to NOT obsess over this. Do whatever I can to distract myself. Stop procrastinating at work. Go for a walk at lunch. Do something fun with the kids tonight. Stop obsessing over how unfair, how unjust, what a victim I am.
That sounds like a good plan! You got this!
Before you meet with H, just review this list:
-Put on a nice outfit -Smile when you greet H -Be sure to break the heavy discussion with light, fun comments and jokes as appropriate -Be sure to focus on working together as a team--"how can we face this together? what are your thoughts/ideas?" -Allow H to come up with some solutions -Be sure to have the spotlight on YOU two not on the OW -Calm, cool, and collected
