Ha - I'm not so sure I'm doing a fantastic job DBing, but I'm doing what I'm doing. It's a process....That said - I kind of hate to think of all of the relationships that have had affairs. It makes me sad. I guess I really believe in marriage being between one man and one woman. It's funny (pathetic) that I still believe that eight months in. It really depresses me that I didn't have that.
Journaling: I am in an interesting place this morning, feeling quite detached actually. It's a little curious. So much has changed in the last week that I need to look at it a little bit...
1) Last week I learned that our 15D knows that Daddy has been unfaithful. She has talked to me about standing up for myself, but understands that I'm standing up for a marriage. I've talked to her a little bit about MLC and the stages, and she definitely agrees that H is not himself. I've tried to explain that working with someone in MLC is a little bit different because you can't really reason with them since they're dealing with their own mental crises. She's totally rattled (understandably so) that he is untrustworthy and has broken promises to his wife and family. I've offered to have her talk to a counselor, which she has turned down. (My IC thinks that the way I've handled this so far has been outstanding and suggests nothing further.)
D has become quite distant from H. I wonder if a) he will notice or b) she will initiate a showdown. I'm not certain.
I have not told him that she's in the know.
If she confronts him, he will be blindsided. I figure it will be a consequence of his behavior, and I won't protect him from that. He will, probably, blame me for having kept the books someplace where D could find them. a) if he hadn't had the EA/PA, I wouldn't have needed the books. b) I'm not sure where I could have kept them in my house where a child might NOT have found them. Not going to get defensive or worked up about that.
2) H is like a wave right now, in a state of advance and retreat. Yesterday morning's silence in the car was replaced by a flurry of IMs ("I want to buy a sports car!" "You probably should."; "I think I should play WoW with S more." "Great. Why don't you." "You should play with us." "Er...I've never played before." "We'll teach you." "Okay." "Really??? Okay???" "Sure...I'll give it a try."
So - after dinner with the family and D's boyfriend (unexpected--we had thought D and her BF were going out but they elected to stay, and it was lovely), I learned how to play the game with H and S13. Both were so excited that I was playing. So - gaming with him...that's a 180 for me. He's been asking for me to play this game with him for YEARS.
H was complaining that he wasn't feeling well as we went to sleep. Stomach issues. This morning I woke up before the alarm went off, so we didn't see much of each other. As I dashed off to take my son to school, I yelled Goodbye over my shoulder. No kiss goodbye today - something that we've continued to do in front of the kids for 8 months. He didn't advance to give me one, and I didn't retreat to the kitchen to make sure that it happened. I realized as I drove son to school that I didn't make H his cup of tea this morning, either. I think this is the first time in YEARS that I didn't do that. Detached? Yep - seems like I'm becoming more and more detached.
So retreat (silence), advance (lots of IM and playing games), retreat (silence again today....Really, I've heard nothing since goodbye!).
3) One comment that H did make this morning is that his status with the hotel where he stays in OW's city hasn't been upgraded. He's mad because they should "know how awesome he is." (Seriously with the MLC self-centeredness. Honestly - it's so disgusting.) He is headed back there next week. So - I'm starting to feel a little bit of anxiety creep in about that.
So much has changed over the last 8 months. We went from a relationship where we had no secrets to one where we both have secrets (he doesn't know that I've told friends, for instance). I've watched him go from openly texting and emailing OW, to hiding in his office for hours so he can do so quietly, to seeing him deliberately spend more time with me and the kids and NOT IM or email her....So, he's making that concession.
My last conversation with him about OW was over a month ago, when I suspected they were going to see one another on a business trip to another office. He confirmed my suspicion. I have not asked about their interaction there. He has suggested that nothing happened, but I've not taken the bait to engage in a conversation about it. Eventually we will discuss that - but for now I'm completely dark on talking about his affair, be it EA or PA. He will have to wrestle with that all by his lonesome. I figure talking to him about it is pursuit of its own kind. He knows how I feel about the OW. But not talking about this anymore...another 180. Not sure if it's the right one, but it doesn't seem like it's hurting.
Honesty and fidelity. That is what I want to get back to. I have no clue how long that is going to take...I wonder if I need to totally detach (to the point where we aren't living with each other) or if the relationship with OW will crumble to dust and blow away on its own. At some point though, and I don't think it's yet, he and I will need to talk specifically about honesty and fidelity....I think the affair needs to burn out first, and since I'm not sure that it has, it likely hasn't. He knows that I am disgusted (and not fooled) when he tries to suggest an alternate reality to me. He is a little bit spooked by my sixth sense. (For instance, in the spring he was going to her city and he told me that she wasn't going to be there because she was going to be in a different office. I said, "Sure. But she's not going to be in the other city for the entire time you're in her city, is she." He blinked, and admitted that she was not going to be elsewhere for the whole trip. Do not lie to me. It is disgusting and totally not okay. Seriously - he's like a child in that he thinks the lie will make things better, when it actually only makes things worse.)
The business that they work for was put up for sale last week....We'll have to see if he/they even have a JOB in six months. Oddly, this doesn't stress me out that much! Perhaps I'm hoping it will force their separation. Hahaha--there's no perhaps about it!
