as always 25, you are fantastic with the word.

I think you would have been almost impressed at the way I handled myself in front of h last night, when he started talking I didn't interrupt(I usually do, especialy when i'm nervous or anxious, I listened to him tell me that he'd been seeing her for four weeks, about the time we stopped being intimate, which he said he stopped with me because it wasn't fair to me, and yes, I know its all lip service.

I didn't ask detailed questions about their r, only the ones that I thought were important to know, such the times that i'd rung for the boys to say goodnight, and he hadn't answered, if he'd been with her, he said yes, a couple of times he had been,
I did request that if I ring at the arranged time that he answer, either leave the room, or move away, I didn't think this was unreasonable. and the only other time that I was forceful ,was when he said he'd like her to meet our boys, I was adamant with my refusal, they are too young, we have only been officially living apart for a couple of months, that if he's still seeing her in 6 months or more, then we'd re visit.

I'm only just getting to know them myself, and I can't bear the idea of someone else coming into their lives in such an influential role.
there are days where I feel like such a complete failure, can't keep my m together, can't be a good mum, can't manage my finances.

as far as the anxiety goes, I showed none last night, I waited until I got home to fall apart and wail, wring my hands etc.

I feel h and I are so entangled still, regarding the boys, finances.

I want to stand on my own two feet, for the first time in my 39 years, I want to be able to say I did that and be proud of myself.

yes, I still want to be m to my husband, or start a new r with him.

I am going to start reading dr again, beginners mindset.

tomorrow I will pick the boys up from h and drop them at daycare.
I will get myself a hot cohoclate, I will order stock so I can work to earn money to support myself and my boys.
I will go and look at more houses, there will be the perfect house for us out there.
I will eat well because I have to look after me so can be well for myself and our boys.
I will write down all the money I owe for bills etc, and if I can't do it on my own, I will seek out someone who can help me(not h)
I will strive every day to become the woman that a man would be a fool to leave.