Wife officially walked away just over a month ago

[BigMac]

Zues,

It sounds like we have a bit in common. I tend to want to fast track every time line on earth. I keep having to go back through my calendar to see that this is all very very very new to me.

Just three weeks ago I took a trip to New York and DC. I had purchased broadway tickets in a vain attempt to do something that we both liked, she bailed on me but I ended up spending the entire trip with myself. At first it was so awkward. I did push through it, and ended up having a great time once I got over my self conscious / anxious feelings.

I just have to remind myself that three weeks ago I was re-learning what it meant to be traveling alone. Three weeks ago I was walking miles in NYC and DC, and it was very hard. I had my headphones on, isolated from the world, just being OK with being me.

Now, I'm out on the strip here. I'm chatting people up. I know it is external, but the W would always tell me how abrasive of a person I was, and how she would always need to "cover" for me.

I'm finding that people do find me interesting, and I do need to work on my socializing skills, especially with the other sex. But realizing that I can drop into a new city, make new friends outside of work, and possibly life a fulfilling life is huge for me.

When this first happened, I swear I tried out 50 hobbies at once. I was just trying to distract myself from feeling the pain of loss, but also the pain of realizing that I had lost the ability to survive as an independent person.

I had changed from a true Alpha male in my circles to well.... kind of a loser. Insecure and anxiety driven. I used to have so much confidence, so much Mojo. I used to be able to walk into any room and own it. I miss that, I want it back. That was (is) a part of me.

So, I am trying to recapture some of the past, I am trying to validate that I can be a functioning human again with or without the W. I believe that I am better then this mess of a human being I turned into. I was (am) just sick, codependant, depressed with a severely broken heart.

But over the past couple months I have been moving away from that broken person with the help of therapy, friends (both online and in person), and the strength in myself, which I had lost for so long. It's a slow process, and I relapse into stupidity as I detach for a bit, then slip back into the attachment.

This week has been about me getting back into my old life. I traveled for work, participated in directing the company for two straight days. My mind had something useful to focus on other then hobbies.

One thing that has been really weird for me, that I need to figure out is that work has always been a huge part of me. I am a leader in my industry, I speak on stage about what I do constantly. Since the breakup I've cancelled most of my speaking engagements, I've left behind something that gave me extreme confidence. I was worried about just getting lost in work and not fixing myself, but abandoning something that provides me with such confidence was not smart.

So I'm re-engaging there. I'm using my brain and the communication skills I have been building for work. I'm taking baby steps to figure out what my life is. Who I am. I still don't know who that is, but I know I don't want it to be that broken needy person.

So, now I get to hang up the computer, hop in the shower and go check out a breakfast place in a neighborhood I'm looking at (recommendation from a random person I met here in Austin). Of to GAL