completely lost part 2

[25yearsmlc]

I think my last post is locked, so i'm starting a new post.

it was a night with very little sleep last night, much thinking, journaling, etc

this is what I know. I know that h and I have been s since march this year, he said at the time, ILYNILWY, that he was done with the m, then was willing to work on m, he moved into his own place may this year, all was ok for a small time, then became distant, claims he needed time to think, I did all the wrong things, then found db, and have trying to follow the ideas.
h dropped second b two weeks ago, asked me to let him go.


then last night dropped third b, he has been seeing ow for four weeks (same w he had brief a with nov last year) and he would like to see where it goes with her.

I have lots of questions for the vets out there, and anyone else who wants to chime in, I am fully expecting 2x4's
where do I go form here, I still want to fight for my m, but how do I go about it since he living seperatly to me and is now involving himself in another r

I'm not very familiar with this scenario. Meaning, your h is in a r with OW from the past, when he had an affair with her, and that was his second infidelity and that was while you were "actively" married.

I say the phrase "actively married" b/c there is some debate about what is an "affair" while separated. Though most LBSers here will vigorously argue that an "affair is an affair!", what matters more is how the other spouse sees it.

For most WAS's, it seems that being separated is usually a signal (and in their eyes, you are on notice) that the marriage is ending and that the divorce being finalized - is a mere formality.

Regardless of how that pans out, here is what we can see.

We can see that your h is telling you by his actions, that he is

unable to be faithful to you, OR faithful to you as you are,

and or, incapable of being faithful to anyone. He wants to explore the R he began with OW earlier, to see where it goes. He wants you to be his back up plan although rather than telling you that out loud, b/c it's too blatantly self serving, he's telling you to "let him go" -
while also silently patting himself on the back & to "keep protecting you".

And btw, I DO think he meant that keeping the truth from you was somehow "protective" of him. I can't see another interpretation & when he asked you if that was what you wanted, imo, he was seeking permission to keep hiding things from you. At some level, down deep, don't you think maybe you know this??

I only know one thing for sure to suggest; do something different than you've been doing b/c none of that has worked.

Here are some ideas...

Let him worry about losing you. For real. Stop being so available, do NOT say "ILY" or "always will" or any of that. Really DO end the conversations first, and around him, really do stay optimistic but vague about your plans and activities.

Fearing the loss of you, will not happen if you don't also become the woman you were meant to become, to-wit, a woman only a fool would leave.

That means you must stop showing him all the anxiety b/c it really does NOT help you and it really does NOT protect you and yet it really does increase the risk of the things you fear happening, actually happening...do you get my point here?)

So please, lose that anxiety (at least around him) and be detached but upbeat a lot more. Also I'm not sure if I mentioned this to you before, but I suggest you watch the videos on the TED Talks from 2012, from Amy Cuddy and Shawn Achor. One is about "Faking it til you Become it", and Positive Psychology, respectively. They're not long films and they'll both help you a lot with starting to think in a new way, a way that changes how you feel and behave.

Also, start imagining life without him, but with you being happy... and just do this for 5 minutes.

But really do it. Like imagine he's passed away and that you have grieved the loss but did not curl up in a fetal position forever...(b/c you would not do that, right? I mean at some point you would get out of bed and model a recovery for your kids, right?

Never forget these two things: 1) you children are watching you AND they will remember how you write these chapters of your life; and 2) someday each of your children will face a betrayal or setback that deeply wounds them. You want them to be able to recall YOUR Choices now, so that they'll make similar choices and not wallow or fall apart or become bitter and despairing.

SO now, since you know you'd eventually pick yourself up and dust yourself off, imagine that has happened and you have moved forward...what are you doing in your new life that makes you happy?

Are you traveling more, commuting a shorter/longer distance, taking classes, learning a new language, getting a different job, going back to school, taking up a new hobby, moving, where are you living?

Are you pursuing the body building more? FLESH OUT THIS VISION...

and really figure out what you'd most likely be doing, if you were single but happy. Okay...(I'm waiting for you to think this out...INSERT Jeopardy music...)

Alright now, All Done? Okay so...

now, figure out what of those^^^ things you can do, this week.

Hang in there!