hope456 - so there's an OW after all...

[KGirl]

BUT...I'm finding myself really wondering if I'm done. I didn't know what the issue was keeping him from trying before. I now feel armed with additional information that would have been SOOOO helpful to me before. I feel like I didn't really have a chance before because I didn't know everything that was in my path.

And, then, I wonder if my feelings now are really about "winning" or beating the OW.

Hmm. These are good things to ponder further. It's interesting that OW has changed how you feel about being "done" - meaning, you're rethinking it rather than it solidifying things for you. What I'd be concerned about (and remember I'm no expert, just a thought from the outside) is that you may be feeling like "Oh, OK, so THAT explains it, there was this external thing and H isn't a dumb@$$ and I wasn't the crazy B he made me out to be so if we just get rid of OW it will be better." You acknowledge OW is a symptom and not the problem, but if that's the case, it really shouldn't change anything, right? He still made choices that were within his control to make. I understand how it feels like it'd be different... but again, I'd be cautious of seeing that now as a justification or excuse for things. I hope that makes sense, it's getting late and I may not be articulating well. I admire your willingness to still think about standing for your M, though, despite this knowledge.

That all said, I think your strategy of re-reading DB and the beginner's mindset makes sense. Re: the actual D process.. am I remembering correctly that your sister was writing everything up and taking care of the paperwork? If so, it may be difficult for H to "see the light" on his ridiculous requests, and while mediation may not be what you want, having someone neutral or other representation present may help him acknowledge this. I could see how if you and your sis say he's unreasonable, that he'll just think she's siding with you, whereas if there's a neutral party or someone on his side, they would likely say "umm... I'm not sure that you will want me to advocate for this for you because of x,y,z." Of course, articulated more formally because they went to law school and I didn't