I think they are wearing a lot of masks and probably not in touch at all with their own feelings. They are living their current reality, but it changes.
Yes, my xh thinks there is something wrong with me because I do not want to spend time with him and new wife.
If our divorce had been different, if he had treated me like a fellow member of the human race then I might be able to at least consider friendship. But he didn't, and that is his problem not mine. I do better when i do not have to deal with him, and I want him to respect my feelings in this.
Bea, I agree w/you 100% on your posting. They do wear a lot of masks and it gets tiresome after awhile. The masks change from situation to situation and who they are around at the time.
They don't understand why we don't want to be friends w/them and yes, had things been done differently and we had been treated like a fellow member of the human race, maybe, just maybe, we could have been "distant" friends. MLC divorces go down very differently from regular divorces because of the "highly charged emotional" turmoil that the MLCer experiences throughout their crises. Such a shame, so much damage, burned bridges, etc. and yet, they can't understand why we tend to back up from friendships. Of course, friendship to them is entirely different than what we would view as friendship...but that's another story.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Kim, Sounds to me that the guy on the show is totally MLC! I also got the "I only married you because I felt it was the thing to do" ..... after 20 years of marriage and 2 kids (2nd one we tried for a year before she got pregnant). It's all a part of the script. The thing that hurts the most is that at the time she said it, she really believed it.
Let me tell you, as a man, being rejected that way cut me deeply, right down to my soul. The things I had done, the sacrifices I made, the life we had together, the promise of being together forever now gone, all these things and so many more that just disappeared for a bunch of reasons that made zero sense, all that cuts me deeply.
My W seems to think that after a time we will still be "friends". That that is somehow the "mature" thing to do. I think to them they feel like everyone including the LBS should just see that all they did was what they "needed" to do to be "happy". Never mind that if the shoe was on the other foot they would have been cut deeply, right down to the soul. They need to live with themselves. They need to hide from the guilt and shame that they would truly feel if they ever really faced up to what they have done and the hurt and pain they have caused the people that loved them the most. By being "friends" they can say "see, you're ok, I'm ok. It all worked out in the end".
If you read some of the threads from EXmlcers, they all talk about how, when they realized all the pain they caused the LBS, kids, family, etc. the deep pain and shame they felt. Until they face up to this I really don't think they can ever truly come out of the tunnel and will never fully integrate.
I really look back and feel that had XH been able to be honest with me about his true feelings all along, that this whole ordeal wouldn't have been so traumatic for me.
That's just it. I don't think they KNOW their true feelings. Having conversations with my confused D20 is much like having conversations with Smokey. He just doesn't KNOW. He goes with tides for the day...if the wind blows THIS Way...that's where he GOES. If it blows another...then, the plan changes...Right now, he blows where it's easiest and the least damaging to his already fragile sense of self.
I think Smokey could've said early on that he didn't want to come back. That much I think He knew. He knew it would take enormous effort on his part to come back into the home and it was, I suspect, much like the feeling of jumping into a deep vat of sewage.
But, to him, that wasn't the same as saying He NEVER wanted to come back. His soul knew he belonged/belongs with his kids and wife. His soul knew the real reasons behind his abandoning his family...and, his soul just wouldn't...probably still won't...shut up already.
I think it's the soul and GOD Himself they HAVE to SHUT OUT in order to go on their "merry" way. That must be a nightmare...requiring Herculean strength of will to tell God and your soul to STFU. Talk about pushing against the tide.
They are driven by emotion but avoid feeling true emotion like the plague. Self will run riot.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Hey you guys, thanks for all your input. It really make me feel better and validated!
That really does makes sense that in their mind they think " you're ok, Im ok, so everything worked out in the end". That's XH to a T! Because that's how he's acting! He's acting like nothing ever happened, and everything is just WONDERFUL!! yet when D14 slammed him with her reality, it did shake him up. D 14 still won't speak to him.
I found out that OW's grandkids are now calling XH grandpa. I felt I needed a drink at that point. He doesn't mind it at all.
OW's family seems to worship him. Yet OW drags him around by his nose and from the sounds of it, he's quite whipped.
You know sharing kids with an MLCer is the hardest thing anyone could ever do. You know I step up and ask the girls how they're feeling about their dad's new situation being married. Ex has never attempted to speak to them about their feelings about this at all. He's completely brushing it under the rug! Am I wrong to ask the girls how they feel about this?
I still feel so damn crazy at times! Im left here to still take care of all the deep emotional work, while he gets to focus his entire life on what he needs to make him happy!
This single mother bread winner is so hard. Im so tired and yet I know I can't depend on him for anything but to babysit the D11 for a few days. And that's it.
What I don't understand is why he treated me as less than human, like just about all MLCer's do yet is so damn nice to me it makes me sick.
Im left here to still take care of all the deep emotional work, while he gets to focus his entire life on what he needs to make him happy!
Yes, it is the emotional work that they absolutely do not get. My xh's view is the (admittedly adult) kids are OK. But they weren't, for a long time particularly my youngest, but the others too. Their loving father turned into Mr MLC monster and abandoned them. This is now 'they abandoned me' in his mind. Really? How did we get to that one?
Yes, they now have great jobs and good relationships, and they hang out together a lot, but honestly I was continuously 'there' for them for several years.much more than if xh had either not left, or done so in a kind manner, so they could talk to him.
He still to this day doesn't understand why none of them want a relationship with him - he thinks it is them, and misguided loyalty to me. I am not sure it is possible for an emotionally normal person to relate to someone in MLC, which is why they end up with such strange people.
It is mind blowing. My ex, sometimes, treats me like everything is ok, other times, like I left him and I wasn' t there for him and rely on me to always be available to care for our kids around HIS NEEDS.. He also doesn' t get that the pain he caused our kids has anything to do with his actions. In his mind, I am, once again, the person to blame for brainwashing our kids. It is a spiral of accusation for justifying their actions and lessen their guilt and shame. I told XH in the past that It might be better if he doesn' t wake up because he couldn' t live with himself if he saw the reality of things. Xh knows he made his bed and now has to lay in it and it angers him. He can' t deal with it so he runs... IMO, he is beyond repair and picks up ladies that are just as messed up as he is. I deserve wayyyyy better. His departure opened my eyes and made me realise that XH didn' t belong on that pedastil I had him on. The only thing I wish he would see is who I was and what I contributed to in our relationship. But again, me and him were one person in his mind and what he felt about himself, he felt about me. It is awful to feel this bad about yourself. I thor me to pieces but I came back.. now, maybe he' ll realise that me and him are 2 separate human being..
He also doesn' t get that the pain he caused our kids has anything to do with his actions. In his mind, I am, once again, the person to blame for brainwashing our kids. It is a spiral of accusation for justifying their actions and lessen their guilt and shame. I told XH in the past that It might be better if he doesn' t wake up because he couldn' t live with himself if he saw the reality of things. Xh knows he made his bed and now has to lay in it and it angers him. He can' t deal with it so he runs... IMO, he is beyond repair and picks up ladies that are just as messed up as he is. I deserve wayyyyy better. His departure opened my eyes and made me realise that XH didn' t belong on that pedastil I had him on. The only thing I wish he would see is who I was and what I contributed to in our relationship. But again, me and him were one person in his mind and what he felt about himself, he felt about me. It is awful to feel this bad about yourself. I thor me to pieces but I came back.. now, maybe he' ll realise that me and him are 2 separate human being..
Wow, exQ, I coulda written all of that ^^^^^^^^^^^ Ditto.
I wouldn't hold my breath though for him "getting it."
It really helps to know that I finally get it.
In fact, I think that's the piece that was missing more than him "getting it." I think I REALLY NEEDED TO LET IT SOAK INTO MY BONES THAT I'M NOT THE LAZY, WASTE OF A SPOUSE HE NEEDS ME TO BE. IT'S JUST NOT TRUE.
That was his emotional abuse talking. Spewing his own frustrations, insecurities, anger, problems...ISSUES. HIS ISSUES. Not mine. But, I took them on. I allowed them to change me...my heart.
Not our problem anymore. We are free to be who we truly are meant to be now. It's kinda glorious to be free from that scrutiny daily and those chains. Sometimes I feel a bit badly for OW (not). When Smokey ain't happy, AIN'T NOBODY HAPPY!
Last edited by LoisB; 07/17/1401:23 PM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
