KGirl - post-move

[KGirl]

H texted me yesterday suggesting I might want to come pick up my growing pile of mail and other random things he found that were mine because he'd be gone until late tonight, so I went and did that right after work. From that experience I've learned that 1)I should just change my address with USPS so as to not have to do that again, hopefully, and 2) I should probably get a third party to do this for me because I really have no willpower to not snoop around the house...so, interesting things that I found:

-H had receipts and boxes and bags out for all kinds of clothes and shoes. This is not someone that cared about this kind of stuff before. He had three shoeboxes on the kitchen table. He had a clothing invoice for someplace online for ringer tees and plaid shorts - things he wore in high school but hasn't worn in years. Can you have a mid-life crisis when you're under 30? Maybe it's a quarter-life crisis?

-H was very insistent when I left that he was going to majorly clean/organize his stuff and replace everything that I was taking once I was gone. Nothing has been replaced, his cr*p is still everywhere, and the house and yard look like junk - hasn't taken care of the landscaping, cobwebs all over the front stoop, etc. Oh well. Not my problem, I guess.

-This is the one that hurts. We had ordered a variety pack of unusual condoms one time in college when we were feeling more "adventurous (:)) but it was a ginormous pack and we hardly used any of them. They're probably all expired, actually. They sat in H's nightstand, in a bag, still within the original mailing package. I will admit that before I moved I periodically checked it to see if it had changed at all. I looked at it tonight and the package was moved, and some of them were no longer in the bag but just in the mailing package. There are many explanations for this, ranging from he moved them when he was arranging other stuff or looked at it 'cause he forgot what it was, or even grabbed some to give to some friends or something because he figured he wouldn't need them... but of course my first thoughts are that he used them, with someone else. And then I panick and cry and take ten steps backwards and lose my confidence. I am pretty sure he's not sleeping with his work "friend" because she is about to have a baby any day now, though I guess it is possible... which would then mean he's just hooking up with random people he just met. Which is somehow even grosser. I know it is a lot of mind reading and I have no idea if it means anything. But right now I'm thinking - why bother waiting to see if he changes his mind? I don't know that I have it in me to believe or trust anything he says. I know I may feel differently once I feel more settled and less emotional. But I don't know how I'd ever be able to live without constantly looking over my shoulder, so why not just end it now and really forget about him in my life. Ugh. I really admire those of you who can get past the PA and still see yourself making it work. I'm hesitating even at just the thought of it, with no concrete proof.

So, things I need to do:
-download a copy of The Happiness Trap. H asked to borrow mine and rather than ask him for it back when it might actually do him some good, it'll be worth the investment to get another copy.
-re-read that and my codependent books
-get more seriously into meditation or other mindfulness practices and do it regularly/make a schedule not just randomly when I think of it
-I do not think I want to re-read DR right now because it just gives me hope that I feel is false right now.
-Go to my Zentangle class tomorrow and be present for that
-Continue my search for a good car and a good cat
-Maybe go back to IC again but I want to have some actual questions or things to discuss that are a little less vague than "what the h--- do I do?"

On the plus side, H left me some window clings in my pile that I wasn't expecting. Guess he thought I'd like those. He also didn't leave me any D paperwork or a letter saying he's decided he's done for sure, so I guess it could be worse