Finding my way - part 2

[Meghan]

Important that you make all of your decisions with your intellect and not your emotions! Our emotions can steer us off into the wrong directions- directions that lead to D. You MUST use your head, advising yourself as if you were advising a friend.

People want what they can't have. Know how Madoff got all of those poor investors to give him money? He told them he didn't have room for them in his portfolio! That made folks crazy to get in with him! Begging, pleading, etc.. In a way, you are doing the same thing! Your H says he doesn't have room in his life for you, and you go nuts to get into it again. If you want him to want you, you must do the same thing. Become what he can't have. Become what everyone else wants....

This is a great analogy. I'm going to copy this down, too.

Because we're both here all the time, it's been somewhat difficult to figure out how to adequately get out of his life on a regular basis. I've been out for bike rides, group runs, game nights, lunches with friends, yoga classes, meditation sessions, and whatever else I can. I've also avoided engaging him in conversation as much as possible, and have talked to him almost exclusively when he initiates. When he wants to talk to me about something, I mostly just listen and ask the odd question.

Admittedly, last night wasn't great. Although I kept it brief, I still responded right away to him having a problem, which he eventually solved for himself anyway. Today I've stuck to responding to his messages, and doing so after a period of time has elapsed. I was fairly brief, but probably could have cut down the responses even a bit more. I'm going to be out for most of tomorrow and will be heading to my parents' place on Friday for a visit and to see friends. The plan is to avoid contact with him as much as possible for the duration of his trip.

As an aside; I think that panic is fueling your "love" for your H. As I said before, it's not a mystery why you didn't feel desire to ML to your H- you didn't respect him, admire him, or have a real attraction to him. If you had, you would have wanted to ML. You sound sweet, but you are also an enabler. You are allowing yourself to be treated this way. I honestly don't think that you will be able to have a balanced M with ANYONE until you learn to love and value yourself more. Even the best guy in the world will eventually start walking all over you, and lose respect for you, because you allow it.

This has been a prominent theme in my talks with friends and family recently, and I've booked an appointment with my IC to talk about it with her and to come up with a plan to work on it. You're correct, and I don't think I've ever really noticed before, but putting that idea into my head has made it abundantly clear how much I have enabled him over the years (although this is by no means the only area of my life where I see this as a problem).

I clearly need to work on self-esteem and self-respect and boundaries, I just have no idea how, especially when the panic and anxiety are raging. I'm hoping my counselor will have some suggestions or will be able to work with me on a plan for getting some of this straightened out. I've also ordered some books on co-dependency from the library to have a read through.

I understand the panic that you feel, I really do. When you settle down, and realize what you have to offer another partner, and that this isn't the end of the world for you- you'll start to carry yourself differently. I now possess a confidence that I never had before. It was part of MY growing process to start looking at myself differently than my W, or my parents before her, had me seeing myself. I see the way other women look at me because of my confidence. I know that I'm a catch and wouldn't be alone if my wife left tomorrow. That's a very empowering thing! I love my wife, don't get me wrong, I'm just saying that I'm on equal footing with her now.

Can I ask if there's any particular way that you got to the point that you're at now?

If I look at this logically, there's no reason why I should feel so insecure. I have a grad degree, a reasonable job that I'm good at, colleagues who respect me, friends and family who love me and are insanely proud of me, and all kinds of other things that tell me that I do have a great deal of worth and value (including guys who I know would love to have a shot with me). And yet, I have the hardest time standing up for or asserting myself in a lot of different situations.