It's been two weeks since my last post... Time for an update.
Goals -
Finances are in order for the most part. I have been working on a debt reduction plan that will leave me with no oustanding debt or financial obligations by March 2015. I'll be in a position to afford my own place quite comfortably, plus my credit should be in very good shape by that time.
I started taking Chatix three days ago, I will be quitting cigarettes on 8/3... My 44th Birthday. I promised myself that I would quit before my daughter caught me smoking.
Sobriety is one I'm still struggling with. I do not do well with triggers and the W. I need to avoid any discussions that may be triggers and with that in mind, I've gotten bettter about avoiding communication except when necessary and only on the agreed upon topics. I've had a few slips in the past month and I need to start going to meeting to get more support in this area.
I saw a prescribing LPN today and got a presciption for Depakote. If I respond well to this will stay on it, if not I'll be switched to Lithium. Once my levels are where they should be with the Depakote, I'll be started on Zoloft. This means that the end of the emotional rollercoaster ride is in sight, This was a significant piece of progress in allowing me freedom from thoughts and actions that have done a lot of damage to the W, the R and me.
I've been go regularly to my IC and we are actively working on a recovery plan that will allow me to reach my established goals. I'm not going to delve into the specifics since there are some things I am reluctant to discuss in an open forum.
As for DB'ing... I've done alright the past few weeks. I had a difficult 4th, I was in a deep depression that day. I went over to visit with my D at the house and had a very hard time maintaining my composure. Lots of triggers and lot of unresolved feelings every time I step foot into the place. I managed to get through that day and I was scheduled to pick my D up the following day to take her to visit with my dad. The drop off went alright, except for the fact that she was 20 minutes late. I didn't mention that I was bother by it and just let it go. My D and I had a great day together with my dad and stepmother. I ended up dropping my daughter off at the house, and found myself getting troubled by a few things. One was the fact that my W and D were going away this week for our family vacation without me. There had been no real discussion about the trip, I was simply informed that there were still going and that I was welcome to join them for one day so that we could spend the time as a family. The other thing troubling me was a discussion we had a few days prior about the switch in visitation days from saturday to Sunday and how that would mean that my W wouldn't be able to take our D to church.
I was meeting friends after I dropped my D off, so I took the time to call my W and express my concerns about these issues. We didn't talk long then but agreed to talk more later that night. I waited until the agreed time and called her back. I expressed the concern that as co-parents, we needed to reach a mutually agreeable decision on matters such as these and that there needed to be discussions had before my W goes and makes unilateral decisions. I expressed that I still needed to be treated as a peer and that my opinion mattered as far as the raising of our daughter. I also stated that I am quite willing to compromise but there still need to be dialog for that to happen. That part of the conversation went well.
Then the conversation turned to the R, the past and the future. I listened and validation, I didn't let anything get to me. This was a very difficult thing for me, I had to hear my W tell me in very blunt terms about all the things I have done that have caused he pain and suffering. And how it was going to take a very long time for their to be any healing. That even with that healing, we may not reconcile. Divorce may not be on the table now, that doesn't mean it's ruled out in the future. That conversation went on for 30 minutes and ended with me thanking her for taking the time to talk to me and for explaining her position.
The week after that was pretty much no contact except for MC, we went to our session and discussed the usual topics as well as my recovery. We sat on our bench afterwards and discussed finances as well as the trip and whether I should come up. We both agreed at that point that it would be best if we put our stuff aside and spent the day as a family.
No other contact for the rest of the week until it was time for me to pick up my daughter on Sunday to go to a family cookout. Initially my daughter did not want to leave with me but I gave her some time and eventually she wanted to go and we left. We spent the morning doing errands and stuff that I needed to do and we talked about things. She's still asking hard questions and I'm still at a loss for answers. We went to the cookout finally and that was rough. It was all families there and the only one without their spouse was me. Eventually my W showed up, an hour after she was suppose to arrive to pick up D. She spent a few minutes with me talking, mostly telling me what an emotional day she had. Then she socialized with my family while I wrapped up with my D.
At that point, I knew there was no way I could go on the trip this week. I was due to head up on Tuesday and meet them. I made it through most of Monday and in the afternoon, my W texted me and inquired about whether I was coming. She then told me she wasn't sure how she felt about it and that sealed the deal. I told her that I would not be coming up, to have a great trip and that I would talk to her this weekend when I picked up my D. And from then on, I went dark... She continued to text me throughout the day, she had changed her mind and thought that even though it might be difficult, I should come up any way. I did not respond any more for the rest of the night.
Yesterday, I ended up spending the day at my mom's not doing much. She texted me around noon checking in and asking if I was ok. I texted back that I was fine and explained why I didn't come up after all. She wanted to call me but I declined at first, then told her it was alright. She had really bad phone reception so we were never able to talk on the phone. I texted her and told her to enjoy the rest of the trip again, and reiterated that I would be picking up my D this weekend. She texted me again today and I have not responded.
Clearly I'm still struggling with dropping the rope and acting as-if... On one hand I want to let her go so she can heal, on the other I know that I need to do it so I can heal. But it's just so hard walking a line between not enough discussion and too much. She clearly wants to know how I'm doing and I'm never sure how much I should tell her. I've done well with not texting her until she texts me, or calling... I'm trying to avoid R talks entirely. But I keep getting dragged into it because I'm alone and afraid.
So that's it for now.
Me: 43 Her: 37 D: 4 T: 20 years M: 15 years 1st Separation: 12/20/06 Drew up papers for D: 9/15/07 Reconciled: 11/1/07
