1 step forward, 1000 steps back

[mdu]

Okay, trying to answer various questions in recent posts. Hopefully I did not miss anything!

“I curious to know what was said prior to your blow up. Did H start to open up to you? What transpired right there? I think this is the KEY to recognizing your patterns and his reaction to them. Did he shut down afterward?”

I think what specifically sparked the blow up was when I asked H when she would be moving/coming to his office and he said next week. That just threw me over the edge. I was just SO overwhelmed (still am) how we can possible handle this and reconcile. And the fact that it’s NEXT week gives us so little time to sort this out. I think the trigger for ME was just feeling completely overwhelmed. I guess H shut down after that. I don’t know, the conversation is frankly a bit of a blur after that. I oscillate between getting angry and calming, he did say a few things during my calmer moments like “I don’t know what to do” and “I just found out yesterday and I’m trying to process this myself.”

“Remember how it didn't work the first time around when H came back after the first affair. Because he did not do the hard work on understanding the why's of the affair, recognizing the emotional fallout on the betrayed spouse--you, and the pair of you sweeping it under the rug. You were desperate to have him back at all costs and I am starting to see that at play again by your 'demand' in your recent posts to have him back at home ASAP.”

Just to clarify, this is not my sitch. H has not had multiple affairs. I think you might be confusing me with Train. H and I separated and he came back home after 10 days wanting to work things out but then really wasn’t up to the work and that’s how we separated again. Looking back, I think he was either still in contact with OW and/or experiencing withdrawals. Either way, he just did not have her out of his system enough to let me back in. That’s obviously why it’s such a huge problem with her coming to the office --- it’s all going to churn up again.

"You would want to give H the opportunity to step up and explain how this came about. By asking how and what questions, you'll get the answers to some of the questions you've asked in previous posts.

"How did this come about? Could you tell me a bit more about this decision process?"

"What is the set up at the company? How would that look like when she arrives in the office?"

"How do you feel about this?""

He already explained how it came about. Apparently she had been contemplating moving closer to H’s office to live near her sister. Apparently she has gone and done it and so now will be working in his office. It’s not a career move or something the company imposed on her. It’s something she is choosing supposedly to be closer to her sister. I obviously think she has other motives.

The company is very small, there is maybe 15 people in his office, all in a small space. They will literally be feet away from each other.

I have not asked him how he feels about it. I agree, that will be important to ask. Although truthfully, the answer will surely make me flip. I know I need to get a grip on that, just being honest.

"H, what I need from you is your reassurance that you are making every conscious effort to have zero to minimal contact with the OW at work. This is your mess and you do need to clean it up. How do you plan to address this?"

This sounds good in theory but honestly, I can’t imagine what H will say to this. Given that it’s a very small company as I described there will be NO getting away from her. Other than quitting his job, which we already know he does not want to do, I can’t imagine what he could possibly offer to get away from her.