Here is the section that will attempt to flesh out an action plan for your meeting with H tomorrow night. Of course, you do have a lot of say in this process. After all, it is your process and you do have a say in this.
First of all, I do want to make an important point here.
It is essentialto remember that this is H's own mess, it is for him to fix himself, and not enable him by cleaning it up after/for him.
Remember how it didn't work the first time around when H came back after the first affair. Because he did not do the hard work on understanding the why's of the affair, recognizing the emotional fallout on the betrayed spouse--you, and the pair of you sweeping it under the rug. You were desperate to have him back at all costs and I am starting to see that at play again by your 'demand' in your recent posts to have him back at home ASAP.
It's time for the new and confident MDU! Let's showcase that new gal to H!
I want to circle back to Bond's comment a while back about the WAS working in the same place as the XOM/XOW. As he stated before, due to today's tepid economy, it may be more difficult for H to move out of the company. It is certainly an option on the table if it is economically feasible for H to do so. More on this later.
Starsky reminded you that you do not have control over the outcome. I agree with him to a certain degree. What you do have control over is how you react and respond to H. In a way, you can influence the outcome. There's a huge difference between trying to control the outcome and influencing it.
Please keep this in mind each and every time you interact with H. This is for you, H, the M, and your children.
Now let's view your sitch under the microscope or a magnifying glass.
Here are the facts:
-OW is moving to H's company facility -OW is moving next week
The rest is just white noise. We will need to work around this fact and it's what we need to work with at the moment. This is where your focus needs to be at this very moment. Things could very well change down the road.
As Train said, this new development presents a challenge to your reconciliation process. You will need to view it as a challenge that you and H can work through together. This isn't necessarily an obstacle to the R. Again, two very different things: challenge and obstacle. Can you rise to the challenge? Yes, I think you certainly can!
Before you talk with H, you might want to contemplate over several items and think about your position in relation to your interactions with H.
First things first, you need to acknowledge and recognize your triggers. Having the OW in proximity to H is clearly one of them. This dredges up bad memories for you about H and the OW. It was a very serious breach of your martial R and trust has been broken.
When you speak with H, I would urge that the FIRST and most important act of love you can do is to center/ground yourself prior to the discussion. My suggestion to you is that you do not go into the transparency plan right off bat.
The first thing is to ask H how he's feeling. Be sure not to make this all about YOU. He is a part of the marriage equation too. Then ask questions using "how", "what". By asking open-ended questions to H, he will open up to you. You want to avoid saying “you”, “why do” for they are accusatory and will put H on the defensive. And BE SURE TO CHECK your impulsive, angry responses at the front door of the house. It has no place in your meeting with H.
You would want to give H the opportunity to step up and explain how this came about. By asking how and what questions, you'll get the answers to some of the questions you've asked in previous posts.
"How did this come about? Could you tell me a bit more about this decision process?"
"What is the set up at the company? How would that look like when she arrives in the office?"
"How do you feel about this?"
Let H talk it all out without interrupting him or injecting your thoughts. "This is helpful in understanding this and I appreciate you sharing it with me here. As you probably can see, it is incredibly difficult for me because it is presenting many triggers for me." Perhaps use this time to apologize for your angry responses and that you desire for H to feel comfortable in opening up to you.
PLEASE, PLEASE no interrogation of H!! It will cause him to shut down.
After a while, then you probably can state your needs to H. "H, what I need from you is your reassurance that you are making every conscious effort to have zero to minimal contact with the OW at work. This is your mess and you do need to clean it up. How do you plan to address this?"
Sit back and listen to him.
And one last important tool for you is using validation techniques. To make it easier for you, I'm attaching the link for you here. Validation: Cheat Sheet
