Finding my way - part 2

[Meghan]

My thoughts? You're overthinking and you spend a lot of time in his head.

You're creating a bunch of stories about what he does and thinks that you won't know are true unless he tells you. These stories are causing you a lot of distress. Why do you think you do that? How does that help you?

I am absolutely doing this. It's gotten to the point of near obsession, I think. I'm aware of it when it's happening, but it's hard to stop. This is pretty usual for the kind of anxiety that I have, but it's more extreme now than it usually is. I think I do it because it lets me feel like I'm making an effort to control the uncontrollable. Or, that it feels like I'm doing something, even if it's something futile.

I asked about your previous emotionally abusive R. How did that end, what did you do to help yourself when it ended?

Have you read Codependent No More?

There was a year long overlap between H. and the abusive ex. I broke up with the ex over email at a point when H. was about ready to throw in the towel on our relationship. I didn't feel like I could face him without getting argued back into the relationship again - it had happened once or twice already at that point.

I can't say I did much of anything to help myself when it ended. I think I was still in counseling, but I'm not sure that we ever dealt with it specifically. I mostly just moved on with my life.

I wonder now if I took a lot more away from that relationship than I though. I've spent years avoiding upsetting H., even for fairly small things that I shouldn't be afraid of at all. I also carry a lot of guilt that he had to wait for me for a year that could be playing into this as well.

Overall, he feels like the last four years have been all about his sacrifices – moving here, no sex, no work, no friends, listening to my issues, taking care of me, taking on extra housework, and changing himself to meet my needs, and he’s deeply unhappy and not sure if he can get over the resentment. From my end, it feels like he blames me for everything – the sex, certainly, but also being here, having no friends or job, and generally putting his life on hold.

How much of this can you take responsibility for? He asked you to marry him the day he lost his job and found he couldn't get benefits. I assume he knew where you lived or would be living.

You don't have young children who would make it more difficult to get out and meet people.

Did he have friends where he lived previous?

There's a lot in there that I really shouldn't be taking responsibility for. This is part of where the resentment comes in - I feel like I'm being blamed. He did know where he was moving to, although the hope was that I'd wind up with a different job at some point and that we'd move - hopefully to some place with more or better job prospects for him.

Yes, he had some close friends where he used to live, although to my recollection, he only saw them every few months, at most. And you're correct that he could make some here. I've even tried to take him places and events where there would be people with similar interests, but that hasn't helped much.

I think Hopeful Still gives good advice, work on you, figure you out and all the rest will fall into place.

And today, do something for you!

I'm working on it. I got a pedicure last night, did some shopping this morning, and might have a bath and take a nap this afternoon before I go out for a group run. Maybe I'll watch a movie tonight.