I've been thinking a bit on how to approach this and here is my thought. This post will be devoted to dissecting your posts and the next one will be fleshing out an action plan. Mind you, not a game plan, but ACTION plan.
Alrighty....off we go!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Omg, she is going to be working in his office a few days per week. Apparently she moved closer to his office!!!!
Okay. It's a fact. Check. Not sure about moving closer to H's office. Yet to be determined. File under "mindreading."
I ended up totally freaking out on him.
This is being reactive based on your emotions that you allowed to run amok. Use your head. Perhaps next time, take a 15 minute break and walk outside your work (or just go to the nearest place if it's raining). Talk to yourself..."okay, okay...this is news that I need to process. Apply the 24-hour rule to sit on this and then talk with H when I am calmer."
There's a reason for implementing the 24-hour rule (or in some cases 72-hours!) here in DBing. It forces one to STFU and prevents one from saying things they cannot take back.
I just can't believe that she is moving closer to us and going to be in his office multiple times per week. I can't see how we can possibly get over this.
Yes it can be done. When there's will, there's a way. In fact, there have been some DBers who have had their WAS engage in affairs with their co-workers and they've successfully reconciled. Have faith in the DBing principles.
I am having a hard time imagining that she is coming here and he hasn't somehow been giving her hope that something is going to work out between them.
This is pure speculation and stinkin' thinkin'. It is our internal critic that is our worst enemy. Use whatever methods to stop those types of thoughts...rubber band, neon red stop sign, looking at pristine beaches on the 'Net, whatever works for you.
I thought we were reconciling & now I am devastated again. I don't see how we can get through this.
NEWS FLASH: You are in the beginning stages of reconciling. This is the positive part you NEED and MUST focus on. The OW moving is just a nasty wrinkle that you can get ironed out in collusion with H.
Not to mention how can he possibly control himself?
Wow. Not even showing some smidgen of faith in H at all here. You make it sound as if he is a 10-year old. C'mon! Give H credit where it's due. H has given you every indication that he is doing whatever it takes to work on the M.
I imagine he's thinking seriously about the possibility of being with her now.
There you go with that awful mindreading and needless speculation. That is a waste of head space right there.
Well, H did not react well to my blowing up. He, of course, started getting annoyed and defensive.
I curious to know what was said prior to your blow up. Did H start to open up to you? What transpired right there? I think this is the KEY to recognizing your patterns and his reaction to them. Did he shut down afterward?
I'm honestly not sure how he's handling this news or what he's thinking. I think he's trying to figure that out for himself. He said that he just found out yesterday and is trying to process it himself.
Of course. All of this is new to both of you and H. Allow him the dignity and respect to process his emotions and thoughts about this new development. Give him the respect here.
He did claim the move was to be closer to her sister but I can't imagine that their relationship wasn't a factor at all in the discussion. And it seems very fishy that she is following through with this with NO thoughts of getting H back? It makes me think that at a minimum there's been some contact that has given her some hope to go through with this move.
Needs some more information from H. It seems not to be all based on facts. Give him the opportunity to discuss with you on how this move transpired. Now I'm fully expecting that she is going to not only show up in his office but be 6 months pregnant to boot
Really?! Gotta stop those thoughts. It does you and H no good to be in that negative frame of mind.
I also want to tell him that I think he should agree to the transparency plan and come home ASAP.
Hmmm..it is all on your insecurities about H and the M that is outwardly manifesting as a "demand" ^^. Not good at all. Work through them for they are your internal fears speaking out as anxiety and insecurity. Sit on the fear sofa and talk with the scared MDU to the other side.
He has not said how he feels about her move.
I can only imagine that he's feeling a whole gamut of emotions as well. Allow him time and space to process them.
Him agreeing to the transparency plan and coming home ASAP and then discussing every detail of their interactions and possible interactions and coming up with a strategy to minimize them. I really don't see any other solution?
There are other solutions.
I said to him that I ideally I would have liked a few days myself to think things through but since things are happening rather quickly that maybe we shouldn't wait. I said I know he's still processing things and asked him when he thought he would be ready to talk again. He said he would like to speak tomorrow night.
Then back off and don't contact H between now until tomorrow night. Show him your respect for his process.
They will work in the same building, on the same floor, possibly just feet away from each other. It's a SMALL company. So I guess we're back to job change as the only possibility. Which honestly, I think will push him right out the door. And maybe that's the way things should be. I don't know what to think or how I feel, honestly.
I can see that you're most probably feeling a jumble of roiling emotions now. That's okay. Allow yourself some time and space to process them.
I honestly don't know where the reconciliation is at, whether H is 100% in it or not. He has yet to fully agree to the transparency plan but (coincidentally) I only just gave it to him yesterday and we had agreed to discuss it tomorrow night. Actually, the first point on the transparency plan is no contact with OW ever again and I'm sure that's why he called to tell me this.
Reconciliation and piecing is filled with fits and starts. A lot of the times the WASes do not verbally state that they are 100% in it because they still struggle with doubts, uncertainty, confusion and experiencing OW/OM withdrawals.
If H is reaching out to you to discuss the contact with the OW, that is a good move on his part. I think he's wanting to collaborate with you on how to face it together as a team. I sense it is what H's coming from...and was going to explain it to you until you blew up at him and he shut down.
Having said all that, I cannot emphasize enough how much of a horrible, horrible communicator H is.
And you've been married for 8 years. Something is good in there somewhere, right? You can do your part to gain some clarity with open-ended questions.
I hope you've taken away some valuable insights here. The next post will discuss an action plan for your discussion with H tomorrow night.
Hang in there!! We're surrounding you with love and support right now.
