One giant leap forward! - Part 10

[T1000]

GF came over last night.

I had a list on my phone of questions I needed answered. I let her start, I thought it would be about the kiss especially to start with but she started with her mental state.
She sat that teary eyed telling me that my actions have made her feel less and less loved and my insecurity had dwindled away at her security and the longer we have been together the less and less she loves herself.
I asked for examples where possible. She was correct on every occasion.
I told her that when we met I was very comfortable discussing our past and sex in general. The more I got to know her and fell in love with her the more I disliked the thought of her past and her seeing the attractive side of anything that wasn't related to myself.
She brought up an ex for a perfectly normal reason I wouldn't like it. If she thought someone was attractive I wouldn't like it.

Side note:
When I say I wouldn't like it, it wasn't a case of I prefer her not to, it would effect my mood completely. I would get into a fog that took a while to get out of.
Some of my actions have improved the situation and others have made it much worse.
I felt like I was on track when I read the jealousy book. I should have read it again, done the exercises and carried on learning and consuming it's advice but i put it to one side and left it.
I stopped going on Facebook because of my jealousy, just seeing her interact with other guys on there, nothing inappropriate just friends interacting. it was a bad move on my behalf as I travelled further into the fog going out of my way to avoid Facebook.

Back to it:
We talked for about 2 hours. It was very relaxed and slow paced. She said she was disgusted with herself. Didn't expect me to forgive what she has done.
Hoped that it hadn't damaged my possible trust of other people in future. I didn't let her out of that one, it has effected me and it will likely continue to. It doesn't mean I won't trust again but it's there at the back of my mind.

I told her even though what she did was completely wrong and I was devastated that it happened I hold my hand up to my part in it. I have not been what she deserved in our relationship. I had fallen back into my old routine of not loving her back and attacking her with my jealous and insecure issues.

We delved further into other things. I asked a lot of questions about how much she drank (a lot), did he buy any drinks (no), did she chat with him (no), how long was the kiss (about 5 seconds), how it ended (she pushed him away), what happened next (he walked off when she pushed him away and she went back over the her friend). He hasn't contacted her. She has removed herself from Facebook as she can't be doing with interaction right now.
She's told her Mum, sister, 3 of her friends and a work collegue. They were all dissapointed with her and she is herself.
Her friend told her that he tries it on with most drunk girls no matter their situation although it's no excuse.
She gave me a very heart felt and sincere apology.

She said that she never went out looking for someone to get off with. He paid her attention that I haven't been doing and it felt nice. She thinks that maybe on a subconscious level she did it to get a reaction from me. She asked me if this hadn't happened would anything have changed for us. A tear rolled down my face as I said no.
I admitted that words weren't enough of a head bang to wake me up.

We spoke about my interactions with W and how it effects her. We got more into the jealousy thing and she told me all the things that had made her jealous over the last few months. It was quite an eyeopener. She feels similar to what I feel but she internalizes it and moves on because it's just a feeling where as I take action (poor action) and try to fix it.

She said she didn't want to lose me but we can't go on the way we have.
The list that she sent me a few weeks ago was all true and that makes it even harder to possibly walk away from us. It was a list of everything I am. It's a list of amazing qualities that I'm very proud of but the one that is missing is any sort of loving or sexual attention from me to her.
She said leaving me would be like leaving her best friend.

She doesn't want finish but she feels deep down that it we don't finish now and I carry on the way I have we will be over within months. I agreed.
She said that I to sort my issues in my own head out before we can possibly go anywhere.

It was an exhausting and emotional conversation.


We are slowing right down. Cutting it back. She needs to experience life without depending on me for so much and I need to reset my head and work on myself. No more lifts to and from work, no more staying over every free night we have. I'm making time for my friends again.

We had planned to go to my parents garden party Friday evening. We are still doing this.

I'm not sure how this reads to a 3rd party. I'm sure this could be read and me be thought of a mug. These conversations are hard to put into words afterwards and them be anywhere near what actually went on.
2 years ago I would need a VET to give me feedback on this sort of thing before I acted on anything. I don't feel like I need the stabilisers on my bike anymore, it's my life and I have to live it. If it's the wrong decision I have myself to blame.
I believe what she says, I believe that my actions are the cause of underlying critical issues in the R.
I don't want to lose her and I want to get my sh*t sorted.

It's a tough issue to sort out, jealousy. When I'm not in a relationship I'm fine and zero way of knowing how I'm doing.
I spoke to my brother this morning. He is the least insecure/jealous person I know. I picked his brain and he explains what he does with them feelings and how to process them. It was quite helpful.
I think in certain ways I need to hit it head on. Shying away doesn't help, I've tried that for 37 years and look where I am.

I've messed up...again. I'm doing the same things that ruined my M. I need to stop or I'm not going to be suitable for any relationship.