Hi everyone, I have just bought SSM and have read most of it this morning. As I am reading it I'm saying to myself "Hey! That's just like me" to just about
every sentence and example. I then found this website and at last I've found people that (sadly) are going through the same and who know how
desperate and lonely it feels. My story is similar to all of yours and it goes like this. I met my wife when we were 20 and students. We got together every weekend and our love life was fantastic. I fell madly in love with her and she
with me. We made love every time we were in bed together. After we left university we had some time living apart (with parents) and she came off
the pill because it caused her to retain fluids and in any case we were not able to get together so much. We set our wedding day, bought our first
house and looked forward to the future. However, by the time we were married our sex life had evaporated in the mist of wedding planning, house
buying and job seeking but never mind I reasoned, as soon as we are married our love life will get back to how it was. Well it will, won't it?
Married bliss started with what I look back on as probably the worst disappointment of my life. After a lovely wedding day we are at last alone in
our honeymoon bed and naturally I expected things to get playful but to my amazement she started having a go at me for not bringing new pyjamas.
Instead of consummating our marriage after the best day of our lives we ended up having a row. I lay there rejected thinking "What have I done". I
am optimistic though and I fully expected when things settled down we'd get back to how we were. The trouble is 25 years have gone by and although
I still love her as much as ever and tell her so every day, our sex life has never returned. I'd say we average 4 times per year except when we
were trying for babies when it was a little more. What sex we have is after days of treading-on-eggshells preparation and is then a one way
process of her allowing me to love her but giving absolutely nothing in return. The tragedy is that I can tell she has the most beautiful orgasms
and I just can't believe she is not totally addicted. We have tried counselling but she just would not open up the counsellor. She described it as
the worst experience of her life. I have bought books which she dismisses as psychobabble. I am hoping she will read SSM but even if she does the
chance of it making any difference I put at 2%. I look forward to your comments and advice. David
Dave36, everything I have read from your postings could have been written by me. I think that we are on the same road except that I am 10 years further along it. With every beat of my heart I can feel love chemicals rushing round my body. I bet you're the same. That love is focused on only one woman and the feelings are as strong as they were at the start. I bet that's the same for you. At first my wife was loving and I could tell I was the most important thing in her life but after a while the "I love you's" changed to a sort of squeeking noise and loving looks, hugs and squeezes dried up. She always seemed to be worrying about something. Money, job, relatives. Her attitude to my sexual advances were along the lines of "how can you possibly think about sex when we havn't paid the phone bill". Always the optimist I assumed that soon I would get back the sexy woman I fell in love with but one worry seemed to lead straight into another and the years went by. Is that similar to you? For the last few years I have tried to initiate sex once a month when she is in mid cycle. The only day she will consider is Sunday and I usually prepare by talking to her a lot, making some but not too much physical contact, doing housework, helping with the children etc. Then at bedtime she has a bath and I have one after (wouldn't it be wonderful to have one together!). I get into bed with her and gently approach with perhaps a little shoulder massage and BAM she stiffens up and gives me the cold shoulder. No amount of loving touch or pillow talk makes any difference and I end up lying awake for hours torn up inside and composing letters to agony aunts in my head. Does this sound familiar? This forum and the SSM book is my final attempt to win back the love I feel I deserve. I am going to do everything I can to make it happen but if does not - I've tried hobbies and evening classes and they are no substitute for love - I hope I have the strength to walk away and find someone like sarahsmiles. Sarah if you are reading this you have boosted me up. It's great to know that there are passionate women in the world.
Quote: She asked what she could do beyond being more affectionate and while my real desire is for her to have a stronger libido and want be a little more lusty. She simply asked me to write a list of what my expectations and desires are. I think her goal will be to "fake it 'til she makes it".
Dave, your posts sound as if you could have been my H a few months back to the T. Try extremely hard to stop analysing - I had the same *fear* of following any exercises a third party might offer. I even recall asking my H for a list! Listen... I said it matter-of-factly (like an xmas list), however, inside I was saying it fesiciously. In my mind, I WAS making progress/baby steps working toward being sexual again. For him to give me any indication that this wasn't enough, made me see red and feel misunderstood, unappreciated and turned off!! I believe she was asking you what she needs to do to show you that she loves you without having sex for the time being... while she's working on herself. Surely, her having a stronger libido and being more lusty can't be the ONLY indicators for you that she loves you? Those would be the ultimate goal... She wants and needs to know how she can show you that she is progressing and ensure you feel loved UNTIL she's sexual again. Make sense?
Quote: I don't even care about myself when it comes to sex. I absolutely love the "sensations" of taking care of her orally and she seems to love it too...I always make it worth her while before I consider myself. The eroticism and her desire for me when doing it is the best. I just can't relate why she doesn't take advantage of this more often. She really likes it when we do it.
Does she have a body image problem? Does she feel sexy and/or happy with her appearance?
Try extremely hard to stop analysing - I had the same *fear* of following any exercises a third party might offer. I even recall asking my H for a list! 
Listen... I said it matter-of-factly (like an xmas list), however, inside I was saying it fesiciously. 
In my mind, I WAS making progress/baby steps working toward being sexual again. For him to give me any indication that this wasn't enough, made me see red and feel misunderstood, unappreciated and turned off!! 
I believe she was asking you what she needs to do to show you that she loves you without having sex for the time being... while she's working on herself. Surely, her having a stronger libido and being more lusty can't be the ONLY indicators for you that she loves you? Those would be the ultimate goal... She wants and needs to know how she can show you that she is progressing and ensure you feel loved UNTIL she's sexual again. Make sense?