I really look back and feel that had XH been able to be honest with me about his true feelings all along, that this whole ordeal wouldn't have been so traumatic for me.
That's just it. I don't think they KNOW their true feelings. Having conversations with my confused D20 is much like having conversations with Smokey. He just doesn't KNOW. He goes with tides for the day...if the wind blows THIS Way...that's where he GOES. If it blows another...then, the plan changes...Right now, he blows where it's easiest and the least damaging to his already fragile sense of self.
I think Smokey could've said early on that he didn't want to come back. That much I think He knew. He knew it would take enormous effort on his part to come back into the home and it was, I suspect, much like the feeling of jumping into a deep vat of sewage.
But, to him, that wasn't the same as saying He NEVER wanted to come back. His soul knew he belonged/belongs with his kids and wife. His soul knew the real reasons behind his abandoning his family...and, his soul just wouldn't...probably still won't...shut up already.
I think it's the soul and GOD Himself they HAVE to SHUT OUT in order to go on their "merry" way. That must be a nightmare...requiring Herculean strength of will to tell God and your soul to STFU. Talk about pushing against the tide.
They are driven by emotion but avoid feeling true emotion like the plague. Self will run riot.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
