Next chapter....coming up!

[mishka422]

He was on speaker phone with her sitting right across from me.

When he hung up I asked him why he said that marriage was overrated. He said that he doesn't feel marriage is important. People live together for years, have kids, then they get married for some reason or other and end up divorced. Why go through all of that? That was the point he was making to his sister. They were having a conversation about their mom. She is losing her apartment (subsidized housing being torn down by a developer and she can't find a place to live that she can afford.) His sister has a nice apartment and is never there. She is always at her boyfriend's house or on the road (she is an actress and travels a lot for work). He asked her why she didn't ask their mom to live at her place at least until she could find somewhere to live that she could afford or better yet, she could just move in with her long term boyfriend since she's never home anyway. She vehemently rejected that idea. She said she 'won't move in until there is a ring on it because she's old-fashioned that way' Ummmm.....ok......she is the most liberal person I know! She is all up in arms about living with her boyfriend? That just seemed weird to me but whatever. So, Gabe told her marriage was overrated.

I got a little teary eyed while talking to him about it afterward. He told me how he felt about it and I told him that in my eyes marriage is a deeper commitment and it's important in helping create a greater connection.

Yes, I am going to have to decide if I can continue to live like this. My heart and head being at war with each other is truly exhausting. My head says that he isn't going anywhere...where the heck would he go? The small voice in my head answers that with 'to the next OW he finds because he's not tied to you in any way...not that it matters'. My heart says that he loves me but my heart wants him to commit to me fully.

I don't know if I deserve that. I know I want it. What we want and what we deserve are not always compatible.

*sigh*

I need to digest this for a while.