Need to journal..if only for me find myself in a large dark hole today Who am I kidding he will change his mind. He has detached beautifully, every movehe has made has been to detach his life and mine.. and I like a fool have been hanging onto, hoping , any small positive sign is a sign of change.. but it is not just mistakes on his part. and now we face 5 days together where I am sure he will be organising possessions so we dont have to se each other..his ideal would have ben if 10 months ago I had said get out and filed.. that is exactly what he wanted.. but I did nt and the only one who has suffered is me. sure he is irritated all the time whenever we speak but I am sure that is because of having to deal with me.. small moments when he foregts and sounds normal so I am guessing .. I know I should not mind read but I feel very done today.. that he is normal and happy when I am not around.
so how do manage this time together.. I want to ask all sorts of controlling questions.. I know I shouldnot I want some definition of my future .. how will it look.. am I totally alone? I keep hoping.. DB keeps me hoping.. I have worked on me.. I am aware of trying to organise too much, being critical.. I am quieter and more reflective but his mind is set and he has someonel else.. so what do I do?
I have wound back the contact significantly.. down to once a week though he has done nothing to change that.. I hear positives su h as he said it was ok to call but they could also be my imagination then he barely talks.. actively makes no comment about his life.. small practicalities.. is calling a waste of time? Is the contact useful? Coach says yes..I don't know.. damn I hate being so unhappy
