advice needed - please help

[stacey9]

okay - if he was here I think he would say he felt trapped and could not do whatever he wanted when he wanted. Just before he left and we were having a heart to heart he did say he was fed up looking after everybody, he just wanted to look after himself and come and go as he pleased. Ironically since he has been with OW straight after he left me, he has not done anything other than be with her every weekend, there have been no planned trips with the boys etc (I heard this through mutual friends).

He is a very attractive, charming and confident man and I would love to be able to say well at least he chose me, but the truth is he didn't - it was me who chose him, and pursued him and decided this is the man I want to be with. Sure, he did love me but I do feel if he had the chance to do it all again, he maybe wouldn't.

Even on occasions I have been with him, I can see other women giving him the eye and I can only imagine how easy it must have been for him when I was not there. Hence all the arguing about nights out etc.

He also told me before he left that he was going for a walk in the evening with me just to keep me happy for spending a bit of time with me, when really he wanted to be playing his sports etc.

When I finally confronted him about the OW, he said it is somebody he met at work, been friends for a long time and that nothing was going on prior to him leaving. He also said if he stayed with me he would be unhappy for the rest of his life, which was heartbreaking to hear.

I am very insecure and am not as extroverted as he is, he finds it easy to talk to people and make friends and I struggle with this. So I think I was jealous of him also - everything seem to come easy to him.

I don't think I appreciated him enough, he worked hard for us, we have a nice house and he made me feel safe. I really miss that.

But he did not appreciate me either, in the 9 months prior to him leaving he stopped wearing his ring and I never questioned him about it. I just stopped wearing mine too - mature huh? He did not show me any attention or want to go out anywhere with me, he just became completely withdrawn. When I realised he was was serious about leaving I tried to talk to him about how I really felt, I did not want him to go, but it was too late.

In 2012 we had another big row about the same sort of thing and I asked him to leave. He stayed with his brother, but after 2 days begged to come home. He was really distressed, he missed me, the kids, his life. He said he loved me and could not imagine life without me. I felt he meant what he said then, and things were great for a while after that but we didn't really speak about the issues which caused it all in the first place.

Now when he comes round to see the kids I do not know what to do with myself. I have been polite to him and make small talk, but I have this overwhelming urge to reach out and touch him!

Now he is not speaking to me at all since I saw him with the OW.

Sorry for such a long post, thank you for showing an interest in my problems and trying to help me. I really appreciate it.
Stacey xx