Trying to detach

[HeadUp]

We started off really well. I would talk about issues I had and she would tell me her feelings. About 2 years in we found out we were having a baby. This was when stuff started getting hard. I was told I knew nothing of relationships and she went to counseling and knew everything about them. Before I got with her I use to fight on the side and I was god at it so I would tell her please don't yell at me or be mean because I wasn't raised that way and I knew I had a temper and I didn't want to get stupid. That was when she started to not listen to me. And one day in a fight she kicked me out while she was pregnant with our first. 2 months later she asked me to come back after I saw that I wasn't validating her feelings the way she needed. And things where good.

A year later we were in another situation that I was not being heard and I said that she wasn't properly listening to my needs and I was out again. This time it was because I wasn't happy with her. I was but it I didn't show it the right way. She told me many times that she was done with me and she was breaking up with me. Then an hour or two later she would call saying she was upset and didn't mean it. Well when I was not in the house I said the same thing to her saying we were done. She hung up and that was it. I called saying I was wrong for doing that and I wanted to be with her and I loved her and we could work this out and no response. I had the kids so 2 days later I dropped them off. I thought things were weird but I didn't think much of it. Later that night she called and told me that she slept with her ex and that she realized she loved me. I was devistated. I thought she cheated on me because we did the same thing we always did. She was under the impression that she wanted it over and did it. Told me she did cheat and basically I needed to get over it on my own when I would bring it up.

I did get over it but I gained an insecurity because of it. When ever I brought it oout it would be me holding on to things and not letting go. Then I started to gain weight and felt unattractive to her. I told her this and that was something that she never heard because I told her plenty of times that I have a problem and I want to get over this. I ended up going to multiple counselors to work on my anger (which I started showing more) me letting go of the past and being happy with myself. I wanted to show her the love I knew she deserved. I asked for us to go to counseling but she wouldn't do anything unless I made the appointment. We were dirt poor and I was looking for work all the time and trying to go to school at the same time.

We got to the point in our relationship that I would hate coming home for the weekends because I knew she would be upset about sometying. She would want to go out but we had no money but it was OK for her to get drinks from men she flirted with at the bar. I didn't think was good but I needed to not make a big deal about it. But she would tell me later a day or two that it was bs that I let these guys buy her drinks and not say anything.

Our relationship would be a do as she said not as she did. I would work 40 plus hours and come home and clean the house and take care of the kids and be so exhausted that I would fall asleep when I sat down to watch TV at the end of the day. Then she would tell me she would go out with our mutual female friends on Friday and that was that. And come home at 4 in the morning and I would be stuck watching the kids all weekend while she slept off her hang over. But she would come out to let me know that keeping a 2 year old quit is easy and I was doing it wrong.

The final straw was my work family is breaking up and leaving. I told her I was going to the bar to say good bye. She called and told me that she had our D5 and that our D8 was at home with a friend and that she was going to a cousins graduation party and she will call later. I started sexting her letting her know I was thinking of her and she asked if I wanted her home now. I said no I will wait until you get home so we can get all hot and bothered. So I waited until midnight and went to sleep. I found out in the morning that she didn't get home until 4. I told her in the morning hey I am a little upset and you made me feel that you were going to come home sooner and I felt like you didn't care. W got mad and started yelling and making about something I never said which she was cheating on me. I apologized and said I was wrong and I didn't want to ruin the night. We'll a couple hours later she was still upset so I asked what she was mad about and told me that I shouldn't be mad at her about last night. Got big I left so we could calm down and she started texting me calling me names and then she called telling me to get my stuff and leave. At this point I haven't left my house in over a year and a half so I was like fine I will leave so we can take a timeout.

And this is where I am.