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[JustStunned]

This is an update of sorts. I’m making slow steady progress, slower than I would like.

I spent most of last year trying to close out Mom’s estate. I am very thankful for the preplanning she and Dad had made. For the most part she continued to follow its guidelines enabling me to focus on the few things where she deviated from the plan. I have two items left, change the title on her vehicle and pay the Lawyer we engaged to guide the process.

Mom’s passing had an enormous impact and I still grieve. Conversations with my daughter in law this last weekend brought more emotion to light than I was comfortable expressing. I do not regret the expression of grief. I regret any awkwardness she may have felt as a result. Mom would tell me to forget it, stop grieving and get on with life. Mom tried to lead by example here although she tried to hide it I know she grieved for my father and sister.

Through this I have been trying to maintain some forward progress in my personal life. It is not on plan and I feel some self induced pressure to bring it into compliance with the original timeline. I know I will miss here. Still, using the same goals keeps me on track and motivated.

I have a good relationship with the children and I will soon be a Grandfather again. I am not ashamed to say I am hoping for a boy. Of course it doesn’t really matter. I recently spent a few days at Gettysburg with my Daughter in law and Granddaughter. My son tried to make it out on Memorial Day, but was not able to take the time off. Such is the life of a Recruiter at least within his Command.

This was the trial run for the new fifth wheel. I needed to get X’s name off of the old one and there were too many memories associated with it. So I used it as a trade for a new to me toy hauler. More trailer than I should have for my truck, but I’ll keep the truck for a few more years. I added a few modifications to the truck (air springs and a Banks kit) to make handling the larger trailer a bit safer and ease my driving experience. One of the air springs developed a leak during the outward leg. This made for additional stress on the way home, but the Banks kit performed as advertised and I already have a replacement air spring in the works.

From my point of view the most liberating aspect of the divorce is I no longer need to justify decisions I make. The only person I can experience reproach from is me. The consequences of decisions are mine and mine alone. I find being beholding only to myself to be rather relaxing. I am more at ease and happier than I have been in a long time. After all I get along with myself quite well.

For a while I allowed myself to fret being single. I defined myself as half of a whole or a component of a greater whole. I moved from family, to Corps, to marriage, to family. When my marriage fell apart I fought to stay part of family and fell back to a Corps mindset. I used values, guidelines and precepts drilled into me over and over again to come through. I am more the person I was before the marriage and I deeply regret leaving that life to make another. Those were my choices and they cannot be undone. I intend to remain single for a while, healing, living my life on my terms until something better come along. I have no immediate plans for dating and looking in the mirror there is clean up to get accomplished.

I’ve purchased a new to me Road King Classic. I’ve been saving for it for some time now and I am happy I was able to write a check for the purchase. It will accompany me when I take the trailer as I intend use it to explore the surrounding countryside when I vacation.

[BeginningAgain]

JS,

We have some similarities in our stories. It sounds like you are on a healthy track to me. I totally agree with you when you say:

"From my point of view the most liberating aspect of the divorce is I no longer need to justify decisions I make. The only person I can experience reproach from is me. The consequences of decisions are mine and mine alone. I find being beholding only to myself to be rather relaxing. I am more at ease and happier than I have been in a long time. After all I get along with myself quite well."

That has probably been the one of the most positive benefits of my divorce.

My condolences on the loss of your mother and I can empathize with the grief having recently lost my father. I can only hope that like most losses, as time goes on the grieving gets easier.

Keep on trucking my friend!

BA

[Underdog]

JS,

You sound awfully healthy to me. (Of course, I'm heading into some counseling myself next week for awhile, so what do I know?)

You, me and BA have the death/grieving thing going on right now. I lost my mentor and father figure earlier this year, and I'm also the executor. He preplanned as well, but even then, It's been really difficult. The emotions pop up at really inconvenient times. Like your mom, I could practically hear him telling me to stop with the emotional crap and move on with the business aspects of dissolving a household and estate. As if.

BUT I'm not built to withstand those types of feelings. They come out sideways and inappropriately. And I'm not willing to pretend it's working for me to pay homage to someone else's voice inside my head. I knew I really needed a safe place to talk through my grief when I walked into his house while the estate people were staging and pricing his household stuff... everything had a price tag on it. And once I started bawling, I couldn't stop. It was awful and I felt like crap for the rest of the day. I looked like a 2 year old who needed a nap.

I'm happy for you that you're getting another little angel in your life (girl or boy). Proof of life is often a facilitator in the grief process.

From my point of view the most liberating aspect of the divorce is I no longer need to justify decisions I make. The only person I can experience reproach from is me. The consequences of decisions are mine and mine alone. I find being beholding only to myself to be rather relaxing. I am more at ease and happier than I have been in a long time. After all I get along with myself quite well.

I am totally right there with you on this one. I've been officially divorced for 9 years now, and the longer I go with being happy for these very reasons, I find it difficult to fathom life any differently. I truly hope that some day I find some steady companionship with someone important, but I'm not sure I really want to get married again. I've really and truly come to appreciate and value the solitary side of my personality that can only be recharged by having these "rights". I know it sounds weird, but it's true.

So in the end, I hope you honor whatever feelings and needs you have, not just because someone said they want you to be different. I'm not saying you should plan to cry in the produce section at the grocery store because your mom loved kumquats, and they look amazing right now... but to have some personal time to reflect and be sad without feeling bad or even guilty for shedding tears. I don't think that death is easy, and it's never a convenient time to lose a parent. Natural, maybe. But good? Nope.

Semper fi. I've always had a secret thing for Marines. Now it's just not so secret, is it?

Hugs-Betsey

[JustStunned]

BA,

Thank you for the kind words. Life is forever a work in progress. I hope the track is healthy and I will keep progressing.
I am sorry for your loss. I followed your thread and found my emotions too raw to express more than that.

Betsy,

Thank you for the kind words.

I am sorry for your loss. The emotions do express themselves inconveniently. Having strong emotions is one of the things that make us human. We persevere none the less, as no one will do it for us.

A friend told me my DIL will someday come to treasure what I felt embarrassed about. Maybe IDK. I do think I have more healing to do. I know there is more grieving to do and this past year I isolated more than the kids felt good about. It is/was a pattern I followed after my X left. Now I need get out and stretch myself a bit and get happier with me.

Isolating will have to wait until after this weekend I’m babysitting overnight Sat and most of the day Sun. I feel a Zoo excursion in the wind. My granddaughter likes the zoo.

The Corps left an indelible mark upon me as it does on most other Marines. I am humbled and a little uncomfortable when someone thanks me for my service or acknowledges that part of my life. In a speech before Congress, Gen. Vandergrift stated “We have pride in ourselves and in our past, but we do not rest our case on any presumed ground of gratitude owing us from the Nation.”

Thank You for your support.

[JustStunned]

I am dropping off the face of the DB world for a little while. I'll be traveling to NorCal for about a week and driving will be my focus for the next few days.

Stay Well and keep leaning forward

If you can't run walk.
Can't run walk.
Can't walk crawl.
Can't crawl your friends will carry you.
Loosely adapted from Firefly

[JustStunned]

The time at Yosemite was fun.

I had some adventures there and back with trailer brakes, engine speed braking and the linkage between the tow vehicle brake pedal and the brake controller. Along the way a wheel and tire was lost due to over torqueing of lug nuts and the stresses of turning.

The time at Yosemite was fun and I’ll go back although I am not enthusiastic about the ration of drive time to camping time. I thought I’d have little time pressure and be able to travel leisurely. Alas this was not to be as the braking issues and a pressing family issue caused some stress.

The time at Yosemite was fun I hiked through Mariposa Grove, over the valley floor out to Mirror lake and on the Yosemite Falls trail. Apparently I appear to be a grizzled veteran of trails in my boonie cover and worn backpack as I was asked several times “is this the right direction to…” “How much further to…”

I managed to ride the bike one day although the curving mountain roads and other vehicles on the road made the ride less enjoyable than I would have liked.

I spent several hours at Glacier Point glassing.

I was amazed at the volume of people visiting the park and that once I got a mile or so into a trail or the elevation began to increase the ratio of international visitors increased significantly.

For me this trip was important. I needed to know if I could visit places like this and vacation like this solo and still enjoy myself. I felt loneness a few times. It was not deep or strong. It was an acknowledgement of a desire for companionship.

[Rick1963]

Normal to want to share fun things with another. Enjoy your alone time.

[JustStunned]

Thanks Rick.

It’s a boy!

S and DIL held a small party to announce the gender of the next grandchild. The planned diaper and wipe party had been cancelled, but they decided to go ahead with a smaller gathering and made their announcement Saturday.

X was in attendance along with her enabler. After the party I spent some time reflecting. If X owed up to her contributions to the demise of our marriage I’d be open to a friend relationship particularly around the children and grandchildren. I seriously doubt that will happen anytime in the near future. She’s very much in replay again.

At any rate, It’s a boy! The kids are still picking names. At this point the front runner is a blending of surnames from great great grandparents on both sides.

[JustStunned]

Up, down. Up, down. Life cycles doesn’t it. What is important is how we proceed.

The company I have contributed to for 32 years is relocating across the country. No one knows what our individual futures will be. The transition team will meet with each of us individually before month end to discuss our personal situations.

It is the unknown that is difficult. This is terrain I cannot scope. I must wait to be called to find out what my options may be. I hate waiting.

Time to create a new resume, check my online profiles and prepare.

[Valeska19]

Yes the unknown is difficult. Sitting in the uncomfortable is hard.

But I know you will be fine. You made it through the D with your head held high. Whatever happens in your career, you'll do the same.