Wife wants marriage with OM, is there any hope?

[25yearsmlc]

PS

I think for you to turn this around will take a lot of bravery in you. I am not sure you have it. No offense but it means putting your pride aside and really owning how deeply you wounded your wife and how often you did it,

and you did it for what? Not some "soul mate" but for your ego or some sexual interests or whatever, but the times you slide over that pain you inflicted and ignored, and just took for granted that she owed you forgiveness, which you are not at all willing to do for her,

just smacks so much of hypocrisy I have to ask if you are from a different culture than Western ones. B/c it's such a double standard, is it something you grew up with?

Secondly, here is a letter a walk away wife wrote to a man on this site. The man was a h who wanted his wife back, but she had told him how she really felt in their marriage and he still wondered why she would not give him another chance. Here is what another walk away wife wrote to that man...


FROM A WAW TO A LBS HUSBAND WHO HAS CHANGED, AND WONDERS WHY HIS WAW HAS NOT COME HOME YET - AND HOW SHE CAN BE AT ALL INTERESTED IN OM….

"When I read your interactions with your wife, I could so easily identify with your wife's feelings/words/sentiments. I have been in her position in my M. I was the ignored, the devalued, the one who was treated as less than.

One of the things that I have tried my hardest not to do, is not to engage with another man. Not just because of my marriage vows, but because I knew that when I truly engaged in any type of R with another man, it would make it that much harder to ever reconcile with my H.

Because being treated differently (better) than the way he treated me would lessen him so much in my eyes. So, I can see where your W is coming from.

When you've been mistreated to the point where you actually let go of your R enough to let another person into your heart or bed or whatever, it takes a boatload of work to get back on a page where you're recommitted to being with your S - and those uncertainties that she's expressed to you, I don't know if you truly, truly fathom how deep they run.

Six months of getting back on a page where you treat her the way that any wife should be treated does not even scratch the surface of the years, the intrinsic devaluing that occurs when you're systematically mistreated for such a stretch of time.

And I promise you that while you have recommitted and worked for 6 months, your W has simply been trying to get to a point where she can even buy into the changes, where she can even think that you might have changed and not scoff at the thought.

Because when you build up hope again and again and again in your H and he crushes it again and again and again, you develop a thick skin, a protective doubt, a conditioned response to even the slightest, grainiest seed of hope. You are taught that when you hope, you will be disappointed. When you try, you will fail. You are taught that you will never be what he wants and it is hard to shake what you have come to believe is reality.

And for the changes that you've made to have come only when she walked away and OM became competition, I can definitely see how she can doubly doubt that you truly want to be in a M with her, and not just to "win".

Even you today say that you are not sure that you don't just want to win.

Step 1 - figure that sh!t out ASAP. Because if you actually do manage to convince her that you really do want her and really have recommitted to her, and you actually just want to win, you'll put her through hell.
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