Nightvision on: The owl & the WAW

[rayzzz]

Locked Thread:Last thread is locked: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...835#Post2468835

so here I am Rayzzz DB Relationship solution! Why don't all of us throw our hats into the db dating pool here on the forum and match ourselves with each other...y'know the people that actually give a darn about marriage! Wellllll ta da.....I am throwing two hats in!! ...ok end scene of frustration in the db process....blush

Thanks for chiming in Oad, Maghan, GG: now to each of you..

I hear ya rayzzzz....im at the mad phase as well...so I go work out...but dam its hard not to be mad, especially when you know they are not happy and struggling with this....its like wake up!!!!!

Oad that is the frustration! I am mad that there is another way for our WAW...together in the new DR way...but this falls on deaf ears fml

I find myself angry somewhat regularly these days. Forgiveness is hard, particularly when H. doesn't seem to have any inkling that he played a role in our issues.

Meghan i think its the forgiving of a WAS's ignorance that adds another layer to the veneer of forgiving the hurt caused in the present M crisis...it's kind of like
"HEY you just ran over our pet dog!" and the WAS says "yeah...but I was going to the store" ((shrug of indifference)) *sigh*

The hardest part for me is forgiving myself, though, and I think this keeps me sad and stuck rather than actively moving forward. I see all too clearly my role in our issues. I'm blaming myself almost all the time because I have indeed hurt H. very badly over the years, which is how we got to this point. I feel like if things don't get better I'm not sure that I'd be able to forgive myself.

As you're working on forgiving your spouse, how do you also go about forgiving yourself?

That's a hard one and I struggle with both ...but the second one about forgiving ourselves is the harder one IMHO
I need to throw this weight of guilt off me all the time. While I absolutely own and completely grieve all the terrible things I did to my WAW I know that if I don't get myself off the hook (that is the super high fishing rod dangling in the air) I will never be able to get on the ground and get to work on what I need to do to save my M.

I am more aware of my faults, what makes me difficult to live with, what qualities in myself I value most, and which parts of myself I would like to keep improving.

GG, sounds like you are becoming more and more a dynamite dbing babe! Add the ukulele and hello! All this self awareness is so deeply humbling and empowering isn't it...its not just like going from coal to a diamond in the rough but an expertly-cut, sparkly diamond necklace ...that hopefully our WAH wants to wear...

I am willing to do my part, but he's got to do his, and then we'd have to do ours together.

I do know that I am no longer willing to put up with the emotional and physical neglect I felt from him, and to be manipulated so he could keep secrets from me.

I want MORE now.

I don't want the "good old H" back, I don't want the MCL/Betraying H in my life AT ALL.
I need a new and very-much-improved H for this to have any chance at all.

Its great that there isn't even an apology for wanting more. In our absence from the R real growth and self discovery have happened so expectations are rightly higher. Its the bar of a brand new M cause the old one wasn't working at all.

rayzzz, if it makes you feel any better, today I spent a good hour trash talking H out loud to myself!

I'm not doing cartwheels ...I know its sooo hard...but I am so glad you have helped encourage me in the psychotherapy approach known as "garbage can speaking".
What I think GG? Is we need to cowrite a song called "You don't have to be the grumps to me" focusing on WAS as well as us in the dance of anger. We will share the royalties and give 10% to the Divorcebuster cause she has helped us all so much! and We really really like her Michelle Weirner Davis!
_________________________
Me 42 W:35

[oad]

rayzzzzz...I thought of that myself..wonder if anyone on this site ended up together. that would make a perfect marriage..lol

[rayzzz]

Hoo! hoo! who? yeah thats how I feel in my new "owl & WAW" thread here. Now if you have been following me I have a mancrush on batman and owls are the natural enemies of bats...so its a conundrum of being able to fend of the owl as a db batman. More allegories to follow. I KNOW so Tolkien of me isnt it.

Yesterday I journaled the love that I feel for WAW. I am allowing myself to untether myself and detach for exactly 60sec just so I can remember why I am in this place of ridiculous pain in the first place. ok I lied more like 62seconds . Then *slam* the concrete vault closes and I bury those feelings deep into the core of the abyss of darkness ...my fortress of Detach-atude!

Today I am pre-GALing by researching some forward motion activities I want to work on and grow in. Looking up schools for copywriting & technical writing since my BA in Creative Writing says to the world "you dog gone good at rhymes and poetry mister!" and the I am inviting myself over to my friends place where we can practice ultimate frisbee and then hit the gym.
Oh and then attempting my new hated GAL: my very late Tax return. Try to think of my WAW then? not gonna happen as I cannot afford to pay back the Harper government any more than they stole from me. Who! Hoo! Who! am I?
I am a guy making monumental changes to himself, not scared to be a bat, beating off owls of despair & hurt and abandonment and making himself the H only an utter fool would leave! PMA on maximum warp. Bring it!

[rayzzz]

rayzzzzz...I thought of that myself..wonder if anyone on this site ended up together. that would make a perfect marriage..lol

oad, some days I think even having a polygamous marriage with some of these fine db ladies (YOU know who you are...) would even make me happy. My current WAW just drives me crazy! detach...detach...detach...

[rayzzz]

Think I found the ultimate way to detach...just treat WAW like she is dead to me. Heck thats how it feels anyways....its like my whole family died...my beautiful WAW, my adoring kids in a way...seeing them two days a week now? ugh. I do NOT want to forget what it was like to have a whole family...and I am just getting more and more sad that I am getting used to this new hated "normal"
Blah my PMA has dropped out of warp, impulse speed and I am out there in a F*Kin space suit trying to tow my sorry arse self back to db land.
ok time to crank out some GAL and drag my friends into a one bike ride around a beautiful resevoir. Thanks for letting me add some cheese to the red wine...now onto scotch

[rayzzz]

What would the separated LBS do without skype? Feeling lonely after spending time with the roommate at a nearby Lake and as I drove home my D8 decided to skype me just to say Good night. It was only about 15 sec but I was just overtaken by my love for my kids and I know that DB needs to be thoroughly exhausted before I stop trying to win back my M for me and for them.
They are my northstars right now my younglings. Papa bear has gotta try to get Mom bear back in the cave...the batcave! zing!

[rayzzz]

Now the separation is beginning to hurt. I know I have no reason to complain as others have been DBing for years in separation but now we are all starting to feel it. My home doesn't even feel like home. Home is where my W and kids are supposed to be. And my D8 even skype to say Goodnight yesterday....just a sadness in her eyes she tries to hide and be brave......my DD.
Well I know the first months are the hardest and I will get used to this....but I don't think I ever will....I will always treasure my family when it was whole and I can't give up.....I will work hard on myself to find that again with a new restored M.

[rayzzz]

OK I need to realize that acting "as if" I am moving on in my life includes breaking all the things we have shared in our 13years of marriage. It will make her feel more free and I don't need to fearfully keep her name on a shared vehicle so she can be "tied to me" giving me some small measure of imaginary comfort...so here it goes. cut..snip...car, house, insurance, bills, phones...i am remembering what you said Ben2010...this can al be restored if my DB ends up working its magic on WAW.

[rayzzz]

Do I have to explain to my wife that I am taking them for an overnight hotel stay in the city because my house is gonna be occupied by room mates family?
I feel guilty that she may disapprove and say they should just see me during the day then. But tucking my 4 yr old into bed....man I only get to do that once-twice a week now. Practicing answering without accusing and defending....
I hate being a p/t dad. Ugh

[Wonka]

Ray,

You don't owe W an explanation on what types of 'housing' your kids are staying in as long as they are with you and that you can be reached by your smartphone. It could be a tempee, campsite, castle...what difference does it make?