Dawgy...I'm sorry that you find yourself in the same situation as me. I'm really sorry for everyone here.
Okay...So, here's where I am today.
H wants me to go on a business trip with him to OWs city. Both kids are at camp, so I can do this easily.
At the end of May he said he was ending things, but then confused me when he said, "She thinks I'm breaking up with her every time we talk.". In June he seemed to be waffling on "ending things" - I have not asked if they have spent time or had any physical contact since I knew they last had contact in May.
He has a trip to her city next week. He has told me multiple times that a co-worker is going with him. I believe this co-worker caught OW leaving the hotel last winter and suspects an A. No mind-reading...just noting that talking about the co-worker being in the city at the same time has been a theme of his.
So...Invitation to go with him.
1) I know that one thing I need to work on in our marriage is prioritizing him. He always feels like I have excuses not to go with him on trips or whatnot. I turned him down for a week long trip to Europe a few years ago. Other than our dog, since both kids will be in camp I have no reason not to go on this trip with him.
2) We'd be staying in a lovely hotel...where he has had physical interactions with OW. I know this. This is a bitter pill to swallow.
3) He WANTS me there. --3a. Is he sending a message to OW by bringing me on this trip? No mind reading, I know. --3b. He IS sending a message to me. He has said to me that he always wants me with him. By inviting me along, this reinforces that message. --3c. Along with the stronger efforts of not messaging OW in front of me and spending more time with me, do I do anything with this information? --3d. This is a shift since going dark about the relationship a month ago. We haven't talked about the elephant in the room for over a month. At what point do I open up Pandora's Box again? Will that just send him back to her again? Do I even know that he's not with her now? I do not know....
DR says I just have to go with the flow. I can't ask questions or make demands. "He needs time to think, feel, and experiment, even if part of his experimentation involves another woman. If you start making demands right away, you will probably lose him. There may not be much that you can do right now to make things better, but there are a ton of things that you can do to make things worse like interrogation and issuing demands." p. 259
So - go with the flow...go on the trip....I can use the time to do work in the hotel and he's promised me a nice dinner out. (Again - potentially to a place he's already been or that OW will recommend. Ugh.)
Jim Conway writes this of affairs, "It will help if the [spouse] can keep perspective and realize that the affair is probably just that - a temporary affair that will soon be over. If she can temporarily put up with his craziness and work at areas in her life that need improvement, then she will be able to accelerate the healing in both of them. "But it's painful for a [spouse] to put up with all this deception.... "This short-range affair probably was brought to the surface by anxieties the midlife man had - his fading youth, fear about sexuality, concern about work, or just the impending awareness of death. It will help her to realize he must work through these problems. The affair was the wrong way to do it, but the affair will lose its power as the problems begin to be resolved."
So...180s. Pay more attention to husband. Accept offers to spend time with him.
