Trying to find my way

[Meghan]

Meghan, first of all, I'm sorry you find yourself here, but I'm glad you found your way here. I saw your post on Maybell's thread and thought I'd stop by.

I just read your first post, most of it. It was painful for me to read.

Would you agree that marriage should be a reciprocal R? It's never 50/50 but it balances out. What are you getting from this R? Why do you want to save this marriage?

I ask most people that question, it was asked of me. Don't let it scare you but really think about it.

Thanks for stopping by!

I've been asking myself this question, and I've been asked it by friends and family at different points, too.

I do think marriage should be reciprocal. If you'd asked me a year ago how I thought we were doing, I probably would have said we were okay. H. did more of the emotional caretaking and I did more of the practical and financial, which probably isn't great, but it didn't feel excessively off. I think I've been lying to myself for awhile - there were plenty of days that I was annoyed or frustrated by the balance of the relationship.

In terms of what I get out of it, here's what I've got. I get companionship. There is always someone here to bounce ideas off, talk to about my concerns, or help me with a problem. I really have appreciated his willingness to help me deal with work issues and to talk me down when the anxiety is acting up. He's really very good about that. On top of that, he's smart and funny and good to talk to, and he brightens my day. He's has been good about helping out when things get really busy or stressful, such as running out to the grocery store to pick up frozen dinners when I'm running late. He's also been wonderful about cuddling and touching me after a long day when we cuddle on the couch, which I love.

At this point, I sometimes wonder what it is that I'm trying to save. I love these things about him so much, but I still feel like I bear the bulk of the responsibility for financial matters, and I also still do a good bit of work around the apartment. In other words, the balance is off and he hasn't really shown a lot of initiative in terms of fixing it (in fact, he seems to actively deny that it was off in MC, even when I acknowledge that he did more of the emotional caretaking than I did). Plus, given how things have been recently, it's getting harder and harder to see the guy I fell in love with.