So I guess I just don't get S. You're in or you're out, I think.
And she is familiar with this side of you. You have assured her numerous times where you stand. So, she's very smug in her situation. Maybe you need to create a crisis for her. That's what I'm saying. Try to look at this as not being for your opportunity to live as though you're single, but rather it is for her to see you being available to date. It would be a last resort, don't you think?
I understand about not paying for the house and an apartment. If you consider leaving the impression that you could possibly be meeting a female friend (don't have to identify it as a date), an in-house separation might work to your advantage here. Ordinarily I am not in favor of in-house S, but in this case, it might work.
Being mysterious would be key. She doesn't want a "courteous call", she wants to keep tabs on you! So, you just say "I'm leaving" and when she starts in with the questions, you say IDK.
You say that S to you looks giving her permission to do what's she's already doing. But you are only seeing it from one side. Maybe she will see that S as give YOU permission to do what you wouldn't do otherwise.
As for your timeline, what difference does it make? The S ends when you planned to end the M......or when there is a reconciliation, whichever comes first. Unless you know of a better last resort. At least this way could not be considered passive.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It's confirmed that W is done with OM3, holding to her words of the other day. I know it's only 3 days, but she's been slamming down his advances. I've been here before though with OM1, so no expectations.
Yet to be confirmed is whether she holds to her word on dumping OM2.
W bought me a muffin to bring to work today. I've mentioned this before -- it has always been a loving gesture that she has done for years. I have always thanked her for it. I take nothing by it today, but it has been a long time since the last one. I texted her a simple "thank you, I appreciate the thought" as she was still asleep when I left this morning. No response. None expected.
W called 15 minutes ago. "I'm very angry right now." Uh-oh, what have I done now? She hit a pot hole and some cover from under the car fell off. And the dealer gave her the run-around, etc. etc. etc. It was all venting. I validated. I did not ask her if she needed anything. I did not offer to help. She did not ask. She just wanted to vent. Then she said goodbye.
W called 5 minutes after that, angry at a different dealer. Warranty... blah, blah, oil change guy didn't put cover on right... blah, blah, blah. Well I gotta go and call the kids. Again, I offered nothing but my ear.
It has been easily 6 months since my W called me up like that just to vent or blab. In fact, she spoke more to me in those two calls than she has in the last month. Again it doesn't mean anything, except that I'm still the go to guy for all the problems.
So it's been a day of little things that individually mean nothing, and collectively mean nothing.
If I say thank you to my W for anything, she later talks to her friends and mocks me for it. It is just so childish. I'm really, really tired of it all. Here you think you have an 18 year adult relationship with someone, and it devolves into W and her circle of friends gossiping and mocking every move like high school kids.
Her position is that she doesn't want to hurt the kids, but she can't live like this. She's giving up the OM to focus on herself so she can get out of this situation. I told her in MC that this isn't the situation we want to be in -- we want to communicate our needs and get to a better place that works for both of us. She doesn't seem to get that, or doesn't believe it can happen, or, or, or. Who knows? I could wait forever, I think - she is one lost puppy.
Sandi, re S. There is no standard legal definition of S in my state. Here, S is typically an agreement between two people, that you want to get approved by the court to have it stick. It typically includes custody and support arrangements, etc. In other words, an S agreement here is pretty much 99% of the meat of a D, just without the final decree on the M by the court. I guess that's why I always figured if I'm going to do all that haggling and pain, I'm going to do it for keeps. D not S.
I take your other points about creating a crisis as a last resort, her perspective on giving me permission to date, and the timeline.
