Trying to find my way

[Meghan]

Reading through your situation, I'm really not surprised that you have not felt like having S with your H. He has no job, didn't help around the house as he should have (especially given he has no job !), is unable to make friends, goes to bed hours after you do (taking the bed while you,sleep on a futon) and has managed to gain weight even though he has literally all day to keep in shape. Gee, I wouldn't want to ML to someone like that either!

HS - thank you for writing this. I'm so inclined to take this all on myself that I really need this reminder sometimes (and with it written down, maybe I can stop asking my friends for it). The inclination is always to feel like I could and should have done more to address his concerns, but there really was a lot going on in there.

So, here's a H that most folks would look at and completely understand your diminishing respect and lack of desire for, and he has you convinced that the problem in your M is YOU!? Do you want your H back as he is today? A man with no job, no friends, is no help and has no ambition? I'd take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself if that's what you REALLY want or if you're just afraid to be alone.

I've been asking myself this a good bit recently. This is not what I want. I've felt worried, anxious, stressed out, and resentful for a fairly long time now, and I don't want to go back to that. This is not what I expected my life or our marriage to look like - I understand that bad and unexpected things happen, but this is basic responsibility and the practical elements of daily life we're talking about. I don't feel like he adds to the security of my life, though, and I want someone who will be more of a partner and willing to do the things that are necessarily to get along in the world, even if they're hard.

I've done a lot of thinking, and have a lot more to do, and being afraid to be alone is definitely in there. The most obvious things I get out of the relationship are someone who cares for me, makes me laugh, and is concerned for my well-being. There are certainly things that he's done for me, and I don't want to downplay them - he helps with my work, talks me down from my anxiety, and generally does make my days brighter. I'm not always sure that it's worth the trade, though.

It's been heartening to see some changes in H. recently, especially losing weight and applying for jobs. His focus is largely on him, though. Most of this seems to have come from his recent crisis of realising that he feels that he doesn't have a lot of worth. I want him to be happy and I'm pleased he's taking steps, but it's frustrating that it feels like he was unwilling to make these same changes to improve my life, too, and that they took four years to get to.

I think the best way to win your H back is to get some self respect and insist that the only way that you would take HIM back is if he got his act together. Right now, as odd as it sounds, your H has lost respect for you because no matter how low he goes, you still supplicate to him. Why? If you want your H to fight for you, and improve for you, and you want to FEEL like ML to him, then you must become someone worthy of that.

It certainly doesn't feel like I have a whole lot of self-respect right now. I have no good reason for that. I just let him do what he wants. Over the years, I've accepted his excuses and his narrative about why things are the way they are, and I've tried as best I can to care for and accommodate him all the while.

One of my big things right now is improving myself - there are a lot of areas that I could use some work in, and so I'm focusing on those as much as I can right now to bolster my self-respect and self-worth to a point where hopefully I won't be such a doormat. I've been feeling resentful for awhile, but it's been hard for me to talk with H. about, and even harder for me to set any boundaries or expectations of him. I think part of that is just expecting that these are things that he should be doing anyway as a functional adult, but I need to be able to do these things.

You are educated, have a job, do most of the house work, and I'm sure are a great person. Why are you settling? I'll bet dollars to donuts that instead of crying and pursuing and enticing him to want to have S with you- if you turned the tables and suddenly valued yourself, and asked him how soon he could move out, he'd be begging for a second chance from you! That's when you tell him he can't have you until he grows up and becomes a man that a woman would want....

This is something I've been talking through a bit with friends and family, too. When we were dating, he seemed to have it together. Now, here we are, and there are times that it does feel like I've settled. We've been stuck in largely the same holding pattern for four years now and very little has changed. I'm not quite at the point where I think I'm ready to tell him to move out - partly out of fear that he's currently so angry and frustrated that he'd just take me up on it and use it as another validation for his behaviour - but I'm keeping it in mind because the current situation won't work long-term (and really hasn't ever worked). I'm definitely interested in starting to get to a place where I value myself more and expect more of him, though. Maybe I'll ask my IC about setting boundaries and being more assertive in my next session.