one day at a time

[twinmom]

I want him to leave so that he will see how much he has lost (he will actually be alone instead of having OW to distract him) and decide to make changes on his own.

If he does actually leave I am going to be so tired I don't know how I will function all day. Very little sleep at night and no naps during the day is going to be rough! Because if I ask him to come over every day so I can nap 1. He will just end up back here full time. 2. An hour nap isn't going to do a darn thing but make me want more sleep.

I am still living in the dream world that one day he will actually feel the pain of his actions and want to be a better person.

[kml]

I am still living in the dream world that one day he will actually feel the pain of his actions and want to be a better person.

You know, if he was a previously good guy who just slipped and succumbed to the allure of an affair - this would be possible, even likely.

But we've already established that your H is a serial adulterer and liar - he lied to you about cheating on his first wife to be with you. He engaged in an affair while you were pregnant with his child. And now that he's back, he's wanting to sleep with you but still telling you he's in love with the OW.

Odds are pretty darned good that he has a personality disorder and is unlikely to change. If you "win" him back, you will always be looking over your shoulder, waiting for the next affair to happen (and it will).

Is it possible for him to change? Sure, change is always possible. Is it likely? No. And if it DOES happen, it sure won't happen because you let him stay around the house and slide back into your bed. He's only going to change when he HAS to - like, when he's lost his wife and kids and has to face up to the effect it's having on his life. Right now he's protected from all those effects.

Now - if you need him there for help, and have ABSOLUTELY no one else who can help you - fine, use him for that right now. But don't be deluded into taking him back without him doing all the hard work he needs to do - you'll regret it. And you deserve better.

[Train]

In addition to everything kml just wrote, consider this:

If your efforts are all to wake-up/change/impact your H and/or his perspective and behaviors, you are already doomed.

I'm not saying it would be EASY to raise kids alone - especially while you are postpartum with a newborn - but it IS possible.

Still thinking of you ...

[figgeroni]

I am not going to absolutely say he is never going to understand what he lost but....

here's the deal
he is a serial assh*le
that means he uses whatever is there to get whatever he wants whenever he wants it

odds are that the only reason he wants something is because it is convenient or makes him look good

assh0lic behavior at its finest

raising babies on your own is tough...
doable but tough...no lying about that one


raising babies on your own with a pile of bad rubbish hanging around is impossible
they will learn from his example too


and...being in a bad relationship prevents you from ever being in a healthy one...with anyone. People see how you allow others to treat you...

once you believe you deserve more and decide to cut off the anchor dragging you down and making you small, you will see how big you really are, you will have more energy because it isn't being wasted on something that isn't worth your time...

[twinmom]

So I offered to call OW and ask her to give H another chance. I told him that seems to be the only way he will move out and if he would like me to do that I will.

He replied, no I don't know what I want.

I was making pico for a snack and never even looked at him.
September can't come soon enough!

Lillian's baptism is Sunday. Too much to do before then!

[Ggrass]

Twin, it's tough.

You've got this. Stay tough. Yes I'll be applauding too.

[twinmom]

So our photographer ( a family friend who has a photography business) is horribly sick and most likely won't make the baptism. Trying to find a photographer at the last minute. H decides to ask one of his employees who I guess dabbles in it as a hobby. She said yes.

I am so angry/frustrated/emotional right now. 1. Who knows how decent of a photographer she is. 2. I never cared for her very much because I always thought she was a little too "friendly" with H. Knowing what I do now I would take a guess that there has been something going on between them at some point.

I do not want this woman at my daughters baptism and then at my home!!! But H has already asked her.
Any suggestions on how to handle this?
How do I handle my urge to go off on H and be a smart a$$ b!$&@. Because I after the crap his mom pulled yesterday I have no patience left and literally spent 5 min in the bathroom yelling at the mirror, I am afraid I might loose it and yell at H, his mom and this woman next.

[25yearsmlc]

So our photographer ( a family friend who has a photography business) is horribly sick and most likely won't make the baptism. Trying to find a photographer at the last minute. H decides to ask one of his employees who I guess dabbles in it as a hobby. She said yes.

I am so angry/frustrated/emotional right now. 1. Who knows how decent of a photographer she is. 2. I never cared for her very much because I always thought she was a little too "friendly" with H. Knowing what I do now I would take a guess that there has been something going on between them at some point.

THIS^^ is an issue. At first I thought you were being petty and your h was trying to help. But if you have ANY inkling that there has been an inappropriate relationship between them (and you have every right to wonder that) then call her yourself and tell her you got someone else (or have him do it in front of you) and keep looking or ask a decent Picture taking family friend to do it.

It's not like this is your wedding, and I think all that matters really is that the Baptism outfit looks cute and you look good (to be frank, that IS what matters most!!) B/c the baby will change so much so fast anyhow.

Also, do you really not know why your h won't go to Mass with you? If I were in your shoes, I'd be surprised if I could sit thru a Mass with my h -- if he were having an A,
it was not his first,
he TOLD me he still loved OW,
AND he also told me he wanted to have sex with me.

God, I'd worry that the holy water would burn him...



I do not want this woman at my daughters baptism and then at my home!!! But H has already asked her.
Any suggestions on how to handle this?

Call her to "apologize" for any confusion but you got someone else and you pre-paid them, so, too late, THANKS ANYHOW! OR have your h do it but in front of you so you know it got done. He's too goofy-

and I can actually imagine him flirting with her in front of you or your family and or setting something up with her for later, "b/c You said no to sex" and him justifying it b/c HE FEELS BAD and needs comforting and blah blah blah...

God, would you prefer dealing with that^^ scenario or 2 minutes of awkwardness on the phone?


How do I handle my urge to go off on H and be a smart a$$ b!$&@. Because I after the crap his mom pulled yesterday I have no patience left and literally spent 5 min in the bathroom yelling at the mirror, I am afraid I might loose it and yell at H, his mom and this woman next.

See above.

And we urge you to stay calm and in control of yourself NOT to attract him back so much as to:

1) to maintain a sense of dignity and quiet strength in the face of adversity;
which you'll never regret doing; (whereas you will almost surely regret "losing it")

AND

2) to NOT remind him of the reasons he left (ie. "she's such an emotional beyotch!") but to contrast his reasons for leaving with the positive image of you behaving with so much class and reason and firm compassion, that at some level he knows IF he is capable of knowing, that he lost a great catch,

AND

3) to set an example for your children b/c they are watching you.

Make sense?

[25yearsmlc]

PS

Ask your photographer friend for referrals if you feel you must have a professional one there. But ask yourself if that is crucial at this time. Isn't it pricey?

Just wondering.

[twinmom]

The family friend never charged us anything. My issue is that I don't want Lillian wondering why there are so many professional photos of the twins but not her. Right now it's no big deal but when she is older I don't want her to feel cheated or that she wasn't as important as the twins.

I have calmed down a lot, no one but me saw the frustration. I told H I didn't feel comfortable with her being there/coming to my home. He acted truly shocked that I thought there was something going on. He tried to assure me there has never been anything between them. I just kept telling him that it didn't matter if there was, that I wasn't concerned with who he is intimate with just as long as I don't have to feel uncomfortable in my own home.

He offered to cancel with her and hire the lady our friend suggested.