"Speak Softly" The MLC Version

[GoatGal]

OK. Thanks guys!
I'll start with AJM.


"Why on earth would I want to be with someone who treats me like that?"
I wouldn't.

In the past it was so insidious and I didn't know what was really going on.
It's only now with hindsight that I see how it got so bad and how I slowly adapted (and disconnected) over time.
I knew that he looked at porn and had suspicions, but he'd always had a "low sex drive" since we met, so there was no change in frequency, just a change in how it felt emotionally. Again, this happened slowly.

We don't easily recognize the process of gradual aging in ourselves, because we're seeing our faces in the mirror every day. When we see a friend we haven't seen in 20 years, it's a surprise.
It's like that.
My experience has been like seeing a picture of myself at 20 and one from today, and saying:
"How did this happen? How did I not notice?"

When changes are slowly made over time, they sort of sneak up on you.
I didn't realize until now how much I was squelching how I felt.

I don't say "unhappy" because I WASN'T.
I'm a happy person, I have lots of joy in my life.
My R with H was based on respect, trust, I thought he had this wonderful character, "sterling", I always called him.
He was the best guy I knew.
(Not much in the sack, but hey--I could live with that. And I did. Because I didn't know what he was really up to.)
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I trusted him completely, I never spoke ill of him, either to others or to his face.
I always had his back and he always had mine.
I never cheated, not even close. I was completely open and honest with him.

And when I expressed any dissatisfaction with our R, he resorted to blaming, deflecting, manipulating the heck out of me, picking a fight... my Aspie social skills are better now, but back then, I didn't clue into what he was doing.
It's typical addict behavior--the deception.

On the other hand, he was very kind to me, did things for me all the time, was actively trying to speak HIS love languages to me--but they weren't mine so I felt frustrated.
I wanted his time and attention and physical affection. Those were things I had to learn to live without for the most part.
I tried to express my love for him, but not knowing about the 5 LL, I was missing that brass ring. But I did express love in my LL, but they were rebuffed... sometimes with anger...and he made it plain he didn't need or want what I was offering. He seemed so independent, not needing anything from me.

He wouldn't accept love, or help, or kindness. He only wanted to give it, and then only in very specific, rigid ways.
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I still don't believe he's done any of this to hurt me. I don't think it's about me.
And I don't think it's because of me either.
Neither the porn, the lies, the affair, the MLC... it's all on him.

He struggles with issues that have nothing to do with me, except that as his wife, I'm in the same boat with him.

Looking back, I can see how easily I was convinced that what he told me was true.
Now I think of things he said (I never forgot them) and understand those statements for the deflections they were.

So I really didn't KNOW until recently what the truth was.
No surprise he wants to be rid of me.
Now I know the truth, and he has nowhere else to hide.
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As for my part. I'm hardly perfect.
I hate housework and I am a SAH Pet/Farm Mom.
I struggle with certain things due to my ADD/Asperger's.

My conditions are mild, I was only diagnosed in my early 40's. My mother still doesn't believe it!
I have a back injury and chronic pain which makes bending and lifting and manual labor painful.
Yet I do it any way. I do not let him see how this affects me.
In the past, I used to. No doubt he thinks I've been "cured". Hardly.

However, I compensate extremely well as far as getting things done, staying organized, etc.
And I have been attending therapy and getting support for years.
I am highly motivated to continue to improve throughout my life and most people would have no clue of my diagnoses. I am more than willing to conquer my own chit for myself.
(Not because of DBing, but because I've always been like that.)

If I can be better, or make it better, I'm going to work on that.
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Regardless of any challenges I may have, I have always been a good wife to him, and I have done nothing to "justify" his treatment of me. I have been loving, available, sexually open, kind, willing to listen and make changes as needed. But he never asked for anything. He didn't complain or express unhappiness.

We always say "No mind reading". Well, I wasn't good at it before BD either!

So if he never said anything about his "miserable marriage" before he started cheating on me with OW, (at which point he became a total A**hat... and I was at a loss as to what was going on), how was I supposed to "get it"?
He wasn't acting differently, just a slow, insidious withdrawal that pretty much mirrored my own.
The difference being he was miserable, and I was still happy, because I was getting my emotional needs met elsewhere in healthy ways.
I would have preferred having a least half of my emotional needs met with my husband, but that wasn't a choice I had.
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So back to the original question:

I would only want a R with a man who truly had the qualities I believe my H still has deep down, and who is willing and able to dump a lot of his baggage. For himself, and for us.
It's holding him back from being happy, and it is preventing him from having a fulfilling R with anyone, not just me.

If he is not willing to do that, then I am not willing to continue a R with him.

-----GGG