1 step forward, 1000 steps back

[mdu]

Kind of a tough day yesterday. In general I just felt really down about things. Spoke to H last night and it was a good chat (lots about his work and changes happening there) but I must say, I didn’t feel a big spark between us. Maybe that’s ok, as that’s more the reality of a long term mature relationship. But I worry that is what he is looking for since that’s what he had with her. And at this point, I think it would be impossible for us to replicate. We had that time and it’s long over now. It comes in spurts on occasion but certainly not like the beginning. I hope that he is willing to ‘settle’ for the reality of a long term connection. And in my mind it’s not really settle at all but I fear in his mind it is. I wish I understood more of what he was thinking. I struggle with how much to probe, things are still so tenuous and probing him for what he’s still looking for/needing in order to come home feels like pressure. He is supposed to have an appointment with an IC but I’m not sure when. For now I’m trying to sit back and see if he shares anything about it. I’m sure if I don’t hear anything about it by next week I’ll start going bonkers but I’m going to try not to worry about that right now and just get through this week. I am going to speak to him later today about when exactly we can discuss the rest of the transparency plan. I think it will be good for me to get that off my chest and know that he has that info clearly and now it’s up to him. I’ll have done my part. Right now I feel good and strong about the transparency plan so let’s hope I can keep that feeling going.

Had a couple of sucky interactions about the A. Was at a friends last night and she basically started talking about it with me right in front of some lady I did not even know. I just kind of walked away. Folks are so into the ‘gossip’, they don’t seem to get this is my and my children’s LIVES, it’s not titillating entertainment! Then this morning I spoke to my sister a little about things and she got into the typical “I could NEVER do what you are doing, not after how involved he got with that woman, I could NEVER!” I just said “you really don’t know what you would do until you are in it, there’s a lot more to consider than just me or him, there’s the kids, his older kids, it’s not as black and white as people like to think.” Then she continued while adamantly shaking her head “Oh I KNOW I couldn’t” I just dropped it. I have to be choosier about who I speak to about things. It’s amazing how much your circle of support shrinks in this situation. Interestingly, rather than make me doubt my choice to stand by my M her attitude actually made me more adamant that I WILL work it out.

Although last night was kind of tough I was able to turn it around a bit by having some fun with the kids. S was in a weird mood and crying a lot so we did some meditation together (well, as much as a 7 year old can realistically do). It felt really good to be teaching him a healthy way to manage some of his moods. He’s quite moody like me! Then we downloaded The Hobbit and I started reading it out loud to the kids. I love to have a great book to read together with them. Tonight they are back with H and I’m going out with friends. Hopefully the time with friend will be fun. If they ask any question about H, and I know they are all VERY curious, I’m going to be vague and deflect. People just don’t really understand and I’m not interested in trying to get them to. It’s my life, only I know what’s best for it. I need to stop looking to others for approval.