Curious, if you know that the solution isn't as involved regarding actionable steps, do you recommend being yourself and letting the chips fall where they fall? Or do you recommend something else?
A: That's right, specifically no solution re: confrontation methods that I have found so far - eg. going dark etc. if I had no child, the chips would have fallen by now & I would have taken it step by step.
From my experience, I would recommend a little different - Work on detaching from the outcome and the rest will follow. You'll have more confidence, you won't be surprised by or hurt by the outcome, and you won't be worried about what you say or do not say. Instead, you'll be authentically yourself.
A: Thank you, I think that this is key & still a wip. My child is the emotional driver & this may be interfering somehow. I am still trying to figure out how. It's only been a few months since experience & am learning as I go. Am looking forward to the day when I can feel that confidence. Right now - it's just not happening
That's not to say there aren't some things to learn. For example, arguing with a MLCr is akin to arguing with a teenager. May as well nail Jell-O to a tree. If you can. So if you know that, then calmly (see note on being detached and expectations) disarm the arguments. Try not to, but don't be afraid to, start arguments or attack a MLCr. Unless you've first mastered the art of nailing Jell-O to a tree. Then it may be safe to try.
A: This is sound advice for all newbies. Luckily, I have not argued - (maybe here LOL) ... maybe that is part of the frustration? His arguements have always been much bigger than mine anyway. Has history of 'outbursts' - job, public .. someone taking too long to unpack groceries etc easily aggravated. My heart palpitations/anxiety starts. I have been more of a question & wait person, so refraining from arguement is 'ok' for me (under evaluation re: one of my new goals). However, being quiet & observant has also proved beneficial (not just this but generally- vs volatile) I very rarely act in haste with anything.
You might also want to link MLC for dummies in your thread. It's a good, light-hearted bit of information worth noting when looking for a way to deal with boundaries.
A: Actually read it when I first came here - don't remember very much though, so will read again. I do remember that it was funny & light hearted, but it affected me. It was a strange experience - on one hand, there was the humor but running closely beside was a feeling of sadness. I may be able to handle better now -thx 4 reminder.
Finally, you may also want to mention that boundaries are for you. Pick them carefully as you'll be tested. But once you pick one, mean it. I mean, mean it like you're the person they modeled Band of Brothers after and you're defending the hill. Be willing to die on that hill for your boundary, else don't set it.
A: This is exactly WHY this query began. I felt lost re my capability to deal w/this area. However, I have gotten some feedback (including YOU!) and now feel that i have enough to think about - something to begin with.
As you work your way through this, you'll figure out exactly what you can and cannot live with. Chances are it won't be the things you thought going into it. I know for me, the cheating wasn't the biggest issue. That surprised me at first, but you really never know how you'll react until faced with something.
A: I understand, right now I feel to let him go, do you thing - CHEAT! If that is what he needs to express MLC, then get it out. It's the callous using that occupies my foreground. It's affecting me & I am fighting to look past to see the whole picture. What is necessary now for good later. Maybe when he finds someone, I'll feel threatened(!!). But right now, I feel used - big time.
Life. Always an adventure! AJ
Thanks again for your helpful advice. p
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
