One giant leap forward! - Part 10

[T1000]

When I posted to you in the past it was about you getting to a place where you felt strong and in control of you. That your W, no matter what she did, could only control you if you let her.

Don't lose that T, the strong in control of his life T, the one with good boundaries.

((( )))

Between March and now that what I have been doing. The interactions between W and I are worlds apart from what they were.

My W never kissed someone (AFAIK) but she did leave with my kids and stated the same issues GF has.
Maybe I'm not destined to be able to give long term affection or I need to work out why I don't. I beleive they are both correct, I feel it myself.

It's wierd this all feels a bit like when W left tbh. Even wierder is I feel like it's something that can be gotten used to. I have the same thoughts but I discuss them with myself. It's actually interesting to a certain degree.

[Fartiltre]

Good to hear from you T
You are often on my mind so, all though I am sorry about the primary cause for you post, I am very glad to read that you and you kids are doing OK.

It's weird this all feels a bit like when W left tbh. Even weirder is I feel like it's something that can be gotten used to. I have the same thoughts but I discuss them with myself. It's actually interesting to a certain degree.

I understand this so well – it is exactly the way I feel about my two BDs. The major difference between us is I didn’t do the work the first time – you did and IMHO you did an excellent job. Seems like you forgot some of it and need to get right back on track. Fortunately it seems like you are already looking inwards in search for answers.
I understand the words you and Labug have exchanged but my personal advice would be to have a long and good talk with your GF before you make any decisions. You love her, your kids love her and now – as I read it – she goes out and makes a major mistake seemingly because you stop paying her attention.
I would be able to forgive her! She came out straight and honest, told you and apologized. I would give her the opportunity to change this behavior – isn’t change what we preach and believe in here. What I would do doesn’t matter in this! This is your call but I believe she has the right to speak and both of you might get something from this to build on in the future – that goes if you split up or not.

I am sorry to tell you that your W’s behavior doesn’t surprise me at all. She seemed totally off balance last summer and she still seems to carry a lot of feelings (whatever they might be) for you. She is certainly not indifferent towards you and your life.
IMO (and yours as I read it) you need that D settled as soon as possible because she will keep bugging you until she can’t do it anymore because of the D.
I hope to hear more from you in the time to come. This might be a good occasion to take up the journaling in here

[T1000]

Thanks F!

We are seeing each other tonight to talk.

I think you are right that journeling might help. I had forgotten how much you can help yourself just by writing it out. Hell I feel like I fix half of my own problems internally just after I have written it on here.

Some of my thoughts in the last 24 hours...

Faithfulness:
What is worse, a partner you've known a year that kisses someone else or a spouse of 8 years kissing someone else?
They are both bad but the spouse seems worse to me, thats not to downplay the other way round but it's more of a betrayal in my eyes. It's not as simple as I've just wrote out, it's definitely not black and white.

Speed:
Bug is correct, slow down. I don't think introducing GF to the kids was wrong but a lot of other things have been going to fast. The same when I met W.
Because I have my own place it's easy for GF to stay here. Spend nearly every evening together, stop over for half of the week. We don't go out much becuase I'm still skint.
It's like the "dating" aspect of the R was done and gone within weeks and we settled down into chilling at mine and living like a married couple.
It causes me to take my eye off the R ball and just drift through the R aspect way too early. It's not good, it's not healthy and time and time again it doesn't work. It tumbles too fast.
I'm not saying you should ever take your eye off the R ball but at the same time where an R is at 7 months isn't where an R is at 2 years, it feels like we are at that two year mark.
Even in my head I have been thinking what next, what next rather than just being in the moment.
Slow down, slow down, slow down!!!

My life:
It's dawned on me quite harshly how I have let the speed of this thing take over my life or lack of. Before I met GF I would do my own thing and spend time with friends. I have been putting time and contact with her over time with anyone else (bar the kids). I've found myself in that lonely I have nothing besides her feeling.

Conclusion:
I'm gonna hear her out. She might want back in or she might just want to clear the air and leave. I will then decide how I feel.
No matter how the above works out whether we stay together or whether we don't I need to keep a life for me.
Again no matter how it works out any future R's will have to be limited in speed even if I have to use a bloody calendar.

[Fartiltre]

T,

That is some good thoughts!
Start posting again - not on daily basis and perhaps just in private but do it...it still helps me a lot to clear my mind and thoughts!

I hope you have a good talk this evening and look forward to hearing from you again!

F

(You can still find me and others on fb as I mentioned earlier on - you should look into that as well!)

[labug]

I definitely think you should talk to her.

The questions I have today are about you.

You say this happened because you weren't paying enough attention to her-if that's so, why? You're in a new R and you say you love her and everything is great...but you're not paying her enough attention.

Why is that? There may be valid reasons. What are they? I'm not saying you need to list them all here but think about it.

What is "enough" attention for her?

Having the kids and still dealing with your STBX, do you have enough "extra" attention that a R requires?

[T1000]

I definitely think you should talk to her.

The questions I have today are about you.

You say this happened because you weren't paying enough attention to her-if that's so, why? You're in a new R and you say you love her and everything is great...but you're not paying her enough attention.

Why is that? There may be valid reasons. What are they? I'm not saying you need to list them all here but think about it.

I prefer to get it out here. The feedback is always appreciated whether I agree or not or whether I can stomach it or not.

I just stop being the sexy charasmatic guy I can be. I get jealous, insecure, stuck in my ways, lazy (R lazy).
Being more in touch with myself than I have been in the past I felt like a 3rd party watching my confidence in myself get less and less and my insecurities increase the further into the relationship I got. That is why I started that book on retroactive jealousy, I could see it, feel it.
Why am I lazy...just am. At the start I'm doing what I need to do to start an R. Just the right amount of compliments, just the right amount of attention and effort, if I didn't it wouldn't go anywhere.
Once I'm there I just coast.
I still do things little things like help her out, give her lifts, fix things for her, advice, all the partner stuff accept the "love" attention. It's like I'm wanting a pat on the head for doing all that stuff and the funny thing is if I dropped all that I just paid her attention the outcome would most likely be better. (slaps palm on forehead).

What is "enough" attention for her?

I think more compliments. If she asks me about her body I can be clinical. She's into the gym and trys so hard and I just look at the goal she is trying to acheive and discuss it in them terms rather than throwing her a compliment bone.
My "Mr Fix It" hat is on and hard to take off.

Having the kids and still dealing with your STBX, do you have enough "extra" attention that a R requires?

You have a point. At the same time, won't I always have just enough of a plate full of things to deal with?
I think I would be the same or possibly worse at the above if I didn't have things to deal with in my life. It is sadded stress but it makes me sit up, take note and look around rather than coasting.

So I'm either doing nothing or looking for things to fix.
Once again just typing it on here has opened my eyes that much further.

[labug]

At the same time, won't I always have just enough of a plate full of things to deal with?

Good point, but as you say in your answers above, a lot of the stuff you have to work on is inside your head, like why do you seem to "get lazy" in a R? Why do you keep repeating the same behavior?

Figure that out and you might free up a ton of time and have a really good (not problem free, but really good) R.

[labug]

I know some advice might be confusing. When people come here and have a S who's in an affair, the general advice is to look at yourself, your role in what happened. That's still valid in your case but for the majority of those who end up here, it's been years of R neglect.

It's been years of the S not having a conversation about what's going on, why they feel neglected.

You're already in trouble and you're still in the "honeymoon" phase.

I'm interested to hear what she had to say.

[T1000]

I know some advice might be confusing. When people come here and have a S who's in an affair, the general advice is to look at yourself, your role in what happened. That's still valid in your case but for the majority of those who end up here, it's been years of R neglect.

It's been years of the S not having a conversation about what's going on, why they feel neglected.

You're already in trouble and you're still in the "honeymoon" phase.

I'm interested to hear what she had to say.

I see your point.

It feels the honeymoon phase was phased out early by just spending every night in at my house. It quite quickly becomes same old same old sat in.
She told me she wanted to be appreciated and adored (not over the top, just generally) and I never did it.

[labug]

She told me she wanted to be appreciated and adored (not over the top, just generally)

WTH does that mean?

When someone says something like that, ask "What does that mean to you?" "What would that look like." You might think expressing adoration means you keep the car full of gas and fix the toilet. She might have a very different idea.

You did read the 5LL book, right?