Just caught up with your post and I've gotta say...you have guts! I only have suspicions about my H having an EA. Not sure if it has gone physical but the curiosity gets stronger. I have resisted to snoop because like everyone says it doesn't help you, it only brings you down even more. Honestly, I'm not sure I really want him to confess but at the same time I don't want to be kept in dark either. Because it would essentially be a lie if he never confessed. I mean how do you heal from something you didn't know you had to heal from. Really confused about that right now.
Your H behavior reminded me of mine. It all happened so quickly. At first he said he wasn't sure if he could go on this way. I was trying to figure out what "this way" meant but he was never forthcoming. Next thing you know he has S papers drawn up and presents me with it. Then the anger bouts came and the "I do love you but..." Then more anger and lashing out not just at me but my kids too. This was the hardest part for me to handle. We haven't told the kids anything but I know they sense the tension. Anyway, another week goes by and he disappears for a day, his phone and wallet are out of sight, he moves out of the room, he tries to talk me into signing the papers, he begs me to release him. Meanwhile I'm trying to figure out when everything went to sh!ts since we just signed a contract for a new house and we're talking about starting in July to have a baby. It's been truly devastating.
I sent the kids away to parents for the summer and I too have taken a respite in San Diego with my bro. I'm here for three weeks and it has been...I'm glad to be out of the negative environment. The day before I left he came to counseling with me because I suggested that we needed a neutral third party to mediate the convo. I didn't think he would take me seriously but the following day he said "I don't know where you're going with this but I will go with you if you want me to." Passive-aggressive BS but I went along with it. At the session he revealed that his initial intention with drafting the S papers was to see if we just needed space but that as he gave himself time (like a week) he realize that things were never gonna change. At first he never mentioned the D word nor did he say it was over. All he kept saying was I don't have anymore to give right now. So I waited patiently and started my 180. He accused my changes as being a facade or a ploy somehow. It was very hurtful but continued with it anyway.
The morning of my flight he took me to the airport, checked me in, and walked with me to the security checkpoint and waited til I passed through. He insisted the I text and let him know each time I boarded and landed. So i did. I emailed him my bro's contact info. Instead of replying to my email he called me instead to make sure that my flight went well and that I was settled in. A few hours later he called to let me know I had mail and even read my mail to me. I kept it short and sweet, said thank you and left it at that.
I've been here for almost two weeks now and have really given myself time to think about things and enjoy myself again. I'm thankful for the space because I could not handle all his emotional blow-ups. As I sat there and listened to his complaints about me all I could think about was "who is this guy?" and "where did my H go?" His behavior towards me has been pretty crappy and none of his grievances sounded like deal breakers for me either. It sounded like he was trying to find every excuse to get out of the M. He even went as far as saying that our M was not a biblical M and so... It was all crap and I too wanted to spew out really nasty and dirty expletives but didn't.
My only contact with him lately has been to forward him emails regarding the new build. We are due to close the first week of August on this gorgeous house we had plan to raise our family in but will now be selling just as soon as it is complete. Lucky me, huh? I try to keep strictly business with a flare of southern politeness. He will either respond or not at all but I know eventually he will have to contact me about something house-related. Initially, I was confused about how to behave during my time away--how to communicate. Since I left on friendly terms and have been friendly during his contacts he knows that I'm not dodging him out of spite. At least, I hope. I let him initiate contact. The last one was to yell at me about what I was doing with the money he left for me before he opened up his own account and moved all "his...no longer ours" money in there. He said he would eventually move his name off the joint account but til this day has not. So he gets to see all of my expenses and I don't get to see any of his.
I'm sure him looking over the transaction history is just eating him up since he doesn't have a clue what I could be doing. I responded calmly and reassured him that I wasn't on a shopping spree and that most of those things I will most likely return if they don't fit right. I'm petite so non-petite clothes are tricky sometimes. It calmed him down and I even went as far as saying "No need to apologize, I understand and I appreciate you being honest about it and not yelling (even though he did.) He then offered to read my mail but I told him it was not necessary but thanked him for offering anyway. That was the last I've heard from him.
I have to say that if I do see you and many others who have suffered the fate of an EA/PA I would give you a very big and long hug. I would be obsessing over the OW too. It would be hard to turn that stuff off and I don't know how or what I would do if it were me in your shoes. Kudos to you for taking the higher ground. I hope you H does snap out of it and truly repents for a$$ of a behavior and wins you back like you deserve. Your perseverance gives me strength and hope to continue with my journey. Since I've been here it's been easier to detach and I'm actually daydreaming about being single again. I go out with friends and meet new people and notice all the stares or the stolen (accidental) glances and it's been a big ego booster. But then deep down I know it's my H that I want to attract that kind of attention from so I just take it as a compliment. I've still got it! Kinda good, scary, and confusing at the same time. If I found out, I would also be wondering if I would want him back too. That's a tough one and I think only time will tell. The random annoying texts he's sending...I call them baits. As idiotic as it sounds he's fishing and hoping you haven't completely given up even though he may not consciously aware of it.
Despite how absolute my H sounds right now that he no longer feels for me the way he used to and that he wants a D...I know part of him deep down still loves me. So I have to remind myself that he is not thinking clearly right now and that he's going through his own journey (a really screwed up one) and he has to be the one to come out of it. HOpefully, I'll still be on the other side waiting. Who knows? At this point I'm enjoying my life without him...no baggage and no petty passive-aggressive behavior.
Anyway, thank you for letting me vent or at least for reading this. Perhaps I should have journaled instead but I needed to relate with someone today.
