It's been five days without any contact from my H. Enjoying the San Diego weather and atmosphere and I feel it calling me back home. I'm not as consumed by sadness during the day but I do have my moments when I wake up in the middle of the night and the first thought is on my failing marriage. I just cry it out until it passes. Those crying moments seem to be less frequent. Perhaps due to my new found freedom...while I'm away at least.
I find that less contact with him allows me to detach easier. While I'm detaching though I also find that I'm daydreaming about life without him and imagining the possibilities of dating again. I gotta say that it's very enticing but then I pull back because I know a part of me is desperately seeking reprieve that anything positive seems like a better option than the current.
Yeah, I'm finding my happiness again but then this road feels like a threat to my M. A part of me is telling me that life would be better without him and another part of me is telling me that I can't run away and that my temporary euphoria is just a band-aid. This has been a struggle during my stay here. Truthfully, I'm not looking forward to going back home after being away for three weeks. I dread living in that tense, negative, emotionally draining environment. Why would anyone want to continue to live in that? Frankly, I'm amazed at the courage the LBS on this site have exhibited. It takes a tremendous amount of humility and meekness to take all that crap that WAS are doing.
I still have not done anything about the joint bank accounts. He still has not separated from our insurance (home/auto) like he said he would do despite my going out of the way to get the info for him on how to do it. The insurance thing is a minute matter but the joint bank account thing is still bothering me. I feel like I'm under his thumb and I'm trying not to get angry and scream "double standard!" But, I know he checks the joint account and I can just see him adding another brick to his wall as he looks through the transaction history and finds things he disapproves of. Meanwhile, I have no access to anything financial of his. I would really like to approach this as delicately as possible but I also want him to respect my space too. Any thoughts?
