Trying to find my way

[Meghan]

Journaling: Tonight wasn't as bad as I anticipated it would be.

H. needed some sewing done after all this afternoon, so I did it - it was a bit of a relief to do something for him after yesterday. I got in some cleaning around the apartment, which also felt productive. I'm doing it primarily for me because I hate the state the apartment is in, but it would be nice if H. leaves with a better than usual impression of how things are around here.

H. was somewhat chatty earlier in the afternoon but retreated to the bedroom quietly for a long time to fold the laundry (he did some of mine too, and I thanked him for it). He also took a two hour walk alone in the early evening. It was a bit frustrating. I was feeling put out that he felt the need to have more time alone only hours before he left for a two week trip away from me. I also thought we'd have a bit more time together the night before he left (even if we just watched TV), but I told him to enjoy himself and didn't say anything else about it. Instead, I took the opportunity to clean some more and made sure he came home to find me dancing around the apartment to music.

We went to get subs for dinner when he got home and chatted on the way there and back with a good bit of eye contact - I touched his shoulder while he was saying something and validated some things he said about his trip. At one point he touched my arm when making a point, which is rare these days. We also chatted a bit while watching TV. He's probably talked to me more today than any other day this past week.

I'm trying to detach and avoid reading anything into what's happened today. Reading hope into things usually leaves me feeling let down eventually (usually in MC when I find out how little hope he has) while making negative interpretations makes it harder to keep doing what I need to do and not let the emotions get the best of me. Better to just try to leave them alone and do something else altogether - I can't possibly know what he's thinking or feeling or why he's acting the way he is on any given day.