Journaling: This morning was sad. I cried on the phone with my parents. They want me to work through this if we can, but they're also adamant that there needs to be change for both H. and me, because we can't go on as we have been.
I wish I'd recognized where we were heading a long time ago and tried to fix things sooner or differently. I'm terrified it's too late to mend things. He's been hurting for so long.
The afternoon wasn't bad, and H. has been chatting with me about things that he's read and other bits and pieces. He seems in a good mood, which I appreciate, but it's hard to think that he's in a good mood because he's getting away from me tomorrow. I suppose that's just speculation, though.
For awhile this afternoon I though that I'd be fine tomorrow, but I'm back to feeling very sad and teary again. H. leaves at 9:30. The weeks that he's away feel scary. So does his return and what happens then. There are so many unknowns and so many things I can't control.
I want so badly for things to get better and the thought that they might not and that I've played a significant role in hurting someone I love is incredibly painful.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
1. What are the things you cannot control about today and while he is away?
His feelings His behaviours What he thinks about me Whether he comes back after his trip What he tells his family about us Whether he misses me as his wife or just as someone he spends a lot of time with Whether there's a chance of him being willing to work on the relationship
2. What are the things you can control?
How I behave and act towards him How I respond to him How I present myself Whether I get in contact with him How I spend the time while he's away
3. What healthy things can you do to take advantage of the time while he is away?
GAL Spend time with friends and family Exercise Meditate Get some work done Try out a new hobby or activity Clean the apartment
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Stay as strong as you can, it will pay off for you later on.
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
Sorry youre having a rough time with this. I know how it is to know exactly what you should do but it still being very hard to make yourself do it.
Be consistent in whatever changes you are making right now. I honestly think that this time apart might do you some good here. It might help him miss you. It might also work wonders for your sanity.
The thing about you walking around in thongs, yoga pants, naked etc. is probably having an effect on him. Be consistent with that too. Just because he doesnt say or do anything right away doesnt mean that he isnt thinking it. You want him to see you as someone that he wants to have sex with again. Eventually it is gonna drive him nuts. Again it isnt the answer to every problem just hopefully a way to break down a barrier.
The best thing you can do while he is gone is stay busy though. Keep your mind off of it. It wont be easy, but you can do it.
When he goes to leave, I would leave it at a simple "have fun." Thats it, very casual and dont show any emotion other than a smile when you say that. Dont call him or ask him to call you or anything. You will be concerned with yourself. Dont tell him to tell his family hello or anything like that either.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
Good luck and god speed for the morning. No matter what do the best you can, and even a slip up is okay, just try with all you got to be strong and care free. Then when he leaves let it all out, go ahead and cry, shake, scream, whatever it takes to get it out. We all have faith though, that you can indeed accomplish this. Once again good luck!!!
Sorry youre having a rough time with this. I know how it is to know exactly what you should do but it still being very hard to make yourself do it.
I appreciate the sympathy - it really is hard to do sometimes, but there are so many people who've gone through this same thing. So much of what I should do seems like exactly the opposite of what I want to do, but I do think it's getting a bit easier, so long as I can call a friend or come here to get all the crazy emotional stuff out.
Originally Posted By: Ben2010
I honestly think that this time apart might do you some good here. It might help him miss you. It might also work wonders for your sanity.
I've come around to this point of view, and I do hope that this is the case. Clearly, things aren't getting better under present conditions. A friend of mine described it as being smushed up against each other with major issues, which isn't going to help anything. H. is here all the time, and I'm off for the entire summer, so it's two people who aren't doing all that much in a one bedroom apartment. Even with his long walks and my GAL we're still both here quite a bit.
Originally Posted By: Ben2010
You want him to see you as someone that he wants to have sex with again. Eventually it is gonna drive him nuts. Again it isnt the answer to every problem just hopefully a way to break down a barrier.
I've tried to add in some subtle touching. I'm going really, really slowly, since it's something that he says he doesn't want, but I've touched him on the shoulder or the arm while making a point at least once a day for the past few days. I want him to remember that I care for him and show that I want to touch him, but not in a way that screams "trying to save the relationship". It's a hard line to walk.
Originally Posted By: Ben2010
The best thing you can do while he is gone is stay busy though. Keep your mind off of it. It wont be easy, but you can do it.
I have dinner plans with a friend tomorrow, and will hopefully spend some time giving the apartment a good cleaning. I'm going to go visit my family for a week or two and will see some old friends while I'm there. I'm also trying to connect with a few friends that I haven't talked to in years - I've let some relationships slip, and I'd really like to get those back on track.
Originally Posted By: Ben2010
When he goes to leave, I would leave it at a simple "have fun." Thats it, very casual and dont show any emotion other than a smile when you say that. Dont call him or ask him to call you or anything. You will be concerned with yourself. Dont tell him to tell his family hello or anything like that either.
The plan is to keep it as light and casual as possible. It's going to be hard, I may wind up fighting tears, and it might take an anti-anxiety pill to get me through, but I'm going to do my best because I do think it's important. I hope he's not looking for emotion as a sign that I still love him, since he hasn't felt that loved in the relationship, but I think showing him some strength and independence is the better option.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Thanks for the vote of confidence, Roid. Mornings have been especially rough in general recently, but I'm going to do my best to breathe through it, smile, remind myself that this isn't the end, and focus on how important it is to show him the best version of me as he leaves.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Journaling: Tonight wasn't as bad as I anticipated it would be.
H. needed some sewing done after all this afternoon, so I did it - it was a bit of a relief to do something for him after yesterday. I got in some cleaning around the apartment, which also felt productive. I'm doing it primarily for me because I hate the state the apartment is in, but it would be nice if H. leaves with a better than usual impression of how things are around here.
H. was somewhat chatty earlier in the afternoon but retreated to the bedroom quietly for a long time to fold the laundry (he did some of mine too, and I thanked him for it). He also took a two hour walk alone in the early evening. It was a bit frustrating. I was feeling put out that he felt the need to have more time alone only hours before he left for a two week trip away from me. I also thought we'd have a bit more time together the night before he left (even if we just watched TV), but I told him to enjoy himself and didn't say anything else about it. Instead, I took the opportunity to clean some more and made sure he came home to find me dancing around the apartment to music.
We went to get subs for dinner when he got home and chatted on the way there and back with a good bit of eye contact - I touched his shoulder while he was saying something and validated some things he said about his trip. At one point he touched my arm when making a point, which is rare these days. We also chatted a bit while watching TV. He's probably talked to me more today than any other day this past week.
I'm trying to detach and avoid reading anything into what's happened today. Reading hope into things usually leaves me feeling let down eventually (usually in MC when I find out how little hope he has) while making negative interpretations makes it harder to keep doing what I need to do and not let the emotions get the best of me. Better to just try to leave them alone and do something else altogether - I can't possibly know what he's thinking or feeling or why he's acting the way he is on any given day.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Reading through your situation, I'm really not surprised that you have not felt like having S with your H. He has no job, didn't help around the house as he should have (especially given he has no job !), is unable to make friends, goes to bed hours after you do (taking the bed while you,sleep on a futon) and has managed to gain weight even though he has literally all day to keep in shape. Gee, I wouldn't want to ML to someone like that either!
So, here's a H that most folks would look at and completely understand your diminishing respect and lack of desire for, and he has you convinced that the problem in your M is YOU!? Do you want your H back as he is today? A man with no job, no friends, is no help and has no ambition? I'd take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself if that's what you REALLY want or if you're just afraid to be alone.
I think the best way to win your H back is to get some self respect and insist that the only way that you would take HIM back is if he got his act together. Right now, as odd as it sounds, your H has lost respect for you because no matter how low he goes, you still supplicate to him. Why? If you want your H to fight for you, and improve for you, and you want to FEEL like ML to him, then you must become someone worthy of that.
You are educated, have a job, do most of the house work, and I'm sure are a great person. Why are you settling? I'll bet dollars to donuts that instead of crying and pursuing and enticing him to want to have S with you- if you turned the tables and suddenly valued yourself, and asked him how soon he could move out, he'd be begging for a second chance from you! That's when you tell him he can't have you until he grows up and becomes a man that a woman would want....
