Unlearning conflict avoidance 13

[25yearsmlc]

LL,

First, HUGS to you my friend...((( )))

Now, let me re-cap so I know if I have this right.

Your w informed you that she and d will be moving into Stockholm for the next 3 years? No other decision about the marriage was said? And you are relying on HER comments as to what your legal rights are?

Just that SHE and D would be moving into the city in a 1 bedroom apartment, (which is obviously too small for you to join)?

Since your work does not force you to stay in the house, you could just as easily have moved in there too, correct? Ouch...

LL. Why would you stay legally married? You are not "married" in any other way, so why keep it as a legal entity? I'm sincere.

I mean it, what purpose is there in waiting for the other shoe to drop? Seems to me that is exactly what you have done w/your w, for the past decade.

Truly Luke You have waited for....for your life to happen....waited too much to see what your w would decide to do. As you put it, you needed to be more proactive, and that was the case long ago.

Instead of taking action, You read into things like her planting a garden or painting a wall, wondering what it meant...vis a vis a divorce. Hoping she'd stay and be nicer to you...
But Luke, you never DID anything to push it in any direction. Not that I can see.

So now, your w is doing exactly what you feared she would do, moving on with her life and taking your d with her...and MAYBE she will divorce you - but maybe not...???

Why wait anymore? Why continue to give her all the power? Why not get an apartment near your d too, and drop the house? It's too much work for you alone and it's not enough to "hope" that w and d spend time there doing chores and pretending that makes a "family life". For one thing, your d will want to spend time with her friends soon enough, won't she? My now 17 y/o is barely home as it is.

As for the home, I think The memories you have of it seem to contrast with the realities of living there for you. I think you find beauty there but some of it is based on hopes for a life that wasn't real....just hoped for.

So why not Just sell it and split the money and move on? You know LL, at some point soon, that will have to happen anyhow.

There is zero indication that things will improve between you two. So why not move on sooner?

Luke, Can you imagine how your d could view you if she saw you as we see you? Imagine you being with an OW who 'gets' you? And enjoys you - and what would your D learn if she were to see you happy? NOT Lonely?

Just had a productive talk with my sister. Here are her points/ideas:

o I am not abandoning my kid, who is nearly adult, by spending time in the States, where
o I work in an office, with people I like, and am not lonely during the day;
o yes, W has won by getting to spend so much time with d16 and getting this apartment in Stockholm, a fun town; life can be that way and this is just my lot.


Wait...what's with the word "won" so often used? What has your wife 'won" that she did not already have? Why did you feel it had to be one of you and not both, who got time with your child?
That always seemed odd to me. I'd have invited my d along with me and with a friend of hers too, if it meant hanging out more. It would not have to be one on one...

So Now your w is going to live in a one bedroom apartment with a 17 y/o d, and you get to live on the lake in the big beautiful home?

Actually I can imagine her bitterly complaining that YOU get the lovely house all to yourself, and she is "forced to live in a tiny apartment with your d"...


o so, why not work in the US for two months, out of this memory and pain laden house?


Agreed...and let's see the house more realistically this^^ way. It's NOT the "family" home, or it has not been for a decade. You were alienated inside the home a decade ago...

I'm amazed at how attached you say you are to it, but I think there are mixed emotions there. And I bet that this goes to how you accept whatever you get -even paltry scraps, b/c you fear that the alternative is somehow going to be even more lonely.

And you thereby make the alternative more likely...meaning, you feared being alone so much that you became paralyzed by that fear, frozen into inaction and that led your wife to want to flee your presence, and maybe you began to ooze in discomfort, which surely showed...

So you thereby brought about the very events you most dreaded.

Do you see what I'm saying?

o telling d16 that I am doing so because I am lonely here, INSERT: "I will be around more people, which i enjoy"...but that it doesn't mean I don't love her, and that we can stay in touch by phone or Skype or whatever, and that she will always have my heart (INSERT: "I will see her every 'X & Y' and on alternate holidays"...and make that happen Luke. Don't ask permission! Simply insist with loving enthusiasm on being the father you have wanted to be and will no longer stop yourself from being. You can't let your wife be your excuse for not taking action to be around your d anymore, or your fear of your d's rejection...no more excuses. Make time for her and spend it with her.

If my dad had insisted on spending Sundays with me, I'd have appreciated it at some level even if I feigned resentment then...at some level, I'd know my dad loved me enough to make time with me HIS priority, and no blaming my mom for "not letting him see me".



o and that we should book our Japan trip together, before I leave.

YOU Make it happen.

o this fixes my loneliness helps meet my social needs during the day problem very nicely

o I'd tell my MIL that W and I are divorced, and see if she still lets me stay in her house (I could also pay) - MIL and her boyfriend seem to enjoy my company.

I have a former sil whom I will always love. I cannot imagine NOT having her in my life so I'd expect your MIL to keep you in her life and if I were you, I'd make darn sure she knows that YOU will keep her in YOUR LIFE...so you do the reassuring. Got that?


o that way W doesn't get to fob off the caretaking of the house onto me: here, dear husband, water, dust, feed the cats, cut the grass, and make sure it stays clean.

No one is forcing you to stay there Luke. No one...plus she warned you that she was leaving --a long time ago, and for the most part, you did nothing new or different with her.

Luke, do You ever wonder why you did not get an apartment in Stockholm to be closer to your d and her new school, yourself?

I mean, can you see how your w might feel that you did pretty much leave it all up to her? That she decided to act and not wait for you to move in any direction?


Bye, I am taking our daughter to live and have a nice time with in Stockholm.

L

OR

"Bye, I'm assuming full responsibility for OUR D and living in a tiny apartment while YOU WIN by getting the nice home on the lake with your well paying job that takes you all around the world and all I have is our d, who will leave me soon to go live HER life..."

I mean, she has her own perspective too...

the question is now all about how YOU WILL LIVE YOUR LIFE.

And so, what's it going to be? Are you going to take charge of your life -

or will you keep giving the power to your "pretend wife"?

(I Say "pretend wife" -- for what I assume are obvious reasons).

Ready to be the author of your life from NOW on?