I am the prize

[daring]

Well I had a bit of a backslide tonight, hopefully not too much damage done.

I had a really long day- have a Doc on vacation so I saw double the usual patients and did a surgery and finally left at 830 pm. I had known it would be a long day so H had planned to have kids ahead of time.

Earlier today he texted me asking if it was ok if he had some people over tonight to swim and grill. They are all from his work that he's about to leave, and I know almost all of them. I said ok as I don't want to be a %it@h and I also want him to want to be at our house.

Well, on the drive home I was feeling exhausted and bummed that I didn't have anyone to go home to for just snuggling after such a long day.

I got to house and he was wrapping up putting away good and getting everyone home.
He noticed I was down and I said I was just tired but he could see through it. Kept asking and I said no big deal if I wasn't so overtired I wouldn't be over sensitive. He seemed hurt that I wouldn't tell him- kept asking if he did something and I said no. Finally I just told him- it's hard that he wants to leave our home because he doesn't want to spend time with me but he wants to spend time with other people at my house ( I didn't include this part but of course it's my house and not his rental- we built an awesome pool and outdoor grill area a few years back just for having low key get together a like this). I know- bad DBing but it was either tell the truth or him be more upset because I wouldn't talk to him.
He said I know it's hard and I hate seeing you hurt. Then said he wasn't trying he to exclude me, it was winding down even before I got home.

Then talked about his upcoming interview with a company in CA- said it would be interesting- I said how so? Then he says he's tired and going to head home, we can talk tomorrow. I said are you trying to tell me you are moving to CA? He said no I like my kids, and believe it or not I like seeing you too.

Then said he was really tired. He had all the kids at his house last night and said he woke up at three and couldn't go back to sleep. I said why? He said I don't know, can't sleep with the kids but can't sleep well alone either.

Again something is slightly different- I see very subtle movement towards me but still needing the safety of being able to run back.

In any case- maybe sharing my feelings wasn't terrible DBing- I'm very strong and independent so showing that I want him in my life may help as long as most of the time I'm just doing my own thing.