I know for myself the emotions run up and down, from self-pity, to fear for my future and the future of my animals, to fury at him, anger at myself for not knowing more, for not doing things differently, for allowing myself to be taken advantage of in so many ways.
How could I not have realized this????
Lately my concern is, I don't think he's ever going to be what I need him to be. This whole experience has made me examine our marriage and I see how, more from my end than his, how it was less than I deserved.
In order for me to be happy in this marriage, he would have to grow and change a great deal.
I'm not sure he'll want to do this, and even if he does, I'm not sure he'll be able to pull it off long-term.
I think about a future with a man who I no longer trust, who is quite a bit older with some health issues, who was able to treat me so terribly...
A man who refused to give me what I needed although I asked and asked until I just gave up. I have changed, for the better.
I am more aware of my faults, what makes me difficult to live with, what qualities in myself I value most, and which parts of myself I would like to keep improving.
I just don't see him putting in the work to do what's needed to pull this marriage out of the nosedive it's in...
We are no longer starting from whatever stagnant rut we were in pre-adultery. Now there is all that to overcome before we can reach something approaching a valuable partnership; there is SO much work to be done.
I am willing to do my part, but he's got to do his, and then we'd have to do ours together.
I do know that I am no longer willing to put up with the emotional and physical neglect I felt from him, and to be manipulated so he could keep secrets from me.
I want MORE now.
I don't want the "good old H" back, I don't want the MCL/Betraying H in my life AT ALL. I need a new and very-much-improved H for this to have any chance at all.
rayzzz, if it makes you feel any better, today I spent a good hour trash talking H out loud to myself!
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
