Trying to find my way

[Meghan]

Journaling: This morning was sad. I cried on the phone with my parents. They want me to work through this if we can, but they're also adamant that there needs to be change for both H. and me, because we can't go on as we have been.

I wish I'd recognized where we were heading a long time ago and tried to fix things sooner or differently. I'm terrified it's too late to mend things. He's been hurting for so long.

The afternoon wasn't bad, and H. has been chatting with me about things that he's read and other bits and pieces. He seems in a good mood, which I appreciate, but it's hard to think that he's in a good mood because he's getting away from me tomorrow. I suppose that's just speculation, though.

For awhile this afternoon I though that I'd be fine tomorrow, but I'm back to feeling very sad and teary again. H. leaves at 9:30. The weeks that he's away feel scary. So does his return and what happens then. There are so many unknowns and so many things I can't control.

I want so badly for things to get better and the thought that they might not and that I've played a significant role in hurting someone I love is incredibly painful.