Heather, yes, the conversations with my friends will keep coming up. There is just no way around it. I can minimize them, but I cannot completely shut it down. They are H’s friends too, they do stuff together when he lives over there. You Mom is not Smokey’s friend and doesn’t spend time with him. The only thing I can possibly do here is just to end my friendship and stop going to the vacation home. Which I consider from time to time when it gets too much for me.
The conversations about my GF’s cousin are not bothering me anymore. When I mentioned “hurt”, I was talking about the past, when I first found out and some time after that. Sometimes I even wish that she and my H would get into actual R with each other. I’m pretty sure that the rose colored glasses would come off very quickly. Instead, H is still “dreaming” about this perfect partner that doesn’t exist.
You are absolutely right about him not being a catch these days. My friends actually wonder if he ever was a catch. My male friend actually repeated again that he thinks that H is in MLC. And I keep doubting it.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I had to text H today. I have a couple of bills that need to be paid from the company. He promised me the updated company file like a month ago and never sent it. So, I texted him to send it over to me. He replied “Ok tomorrow ok”. Sounds like a burden. I don’t care. I replied “Ok, thanks”. It’s been almost a month since he last communicated with me and he was nice and pleasant then. Will see what kind of e-mail he will send tomorrow. I’m pretty sure it will be just a file attached and no words in the e-mail. I feel like he is back into his hole. Maybe I’m wrong and he is just getting more and more distant.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
They just sink further and further into the fog, with occasional glimpses out. I do think it is like a fog, and some of them get out eventually and others just wander around in it
Maybe my lighthouse beam wasn't strong enough? But actually no, it is all about them and not about us. I would never claim to be perfect, and have worked on myself, for which I am glad , if not truly grateful!
Bea, I can't imagine your lighthouse beam could be anything, BUT strong! Seriously? I see your lighthouse beam strong without nonsense. Yours would be one which is firm, steady and confident. Maybe it intimidates him? You aren't waiting to hug it out. He knows he would have to rise to the occasion to meet your beam. Is that such a bad thing?
Bright,
I'm wondering if the vacation house is good for you? Is it rubbing salt in the wound? Is it your way of maintaining some sort of connection? I know you go for relaxation but, does the good outweigh the bad? Just asking.
It's like you are going into the lion's den for a vacation.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Maybe my lighthouse beam wasn't strong enough? But actually no, it is all about them and not about us. I would never claim to be perfect, and have worked on myself, for which I am glad , if not truly grateful!
This! I could say this about myself too. Thanks, Bea.
Originally Posted By: LoisB
I'm wondering if the vacation house is good for you? Is it rubbing salt in the wound? Is it your way of maintaining some sort of connection? I know you go for relaxation but, does the good outweigh the bad? Just asking.
Heather, you sound like all of my GFs (except the one at the vacation place) and family, LOL. They keep asking the same question every time I complain of being distressed. Honestly, it is probably correct that I’ve been trying to maintain a connection. Another reason is to keep my presence there to make sure he doesn’t completely take over before we make a legal agreement. I’m still on the mortgage for the condo and it doesn’t look like he is going to refi any time soon. I made it clear to him that if I would give up the condo, I want a legal document ensuring that my son inherits at least half of it. My son is not H’s biological son, so if we D, he will have not right for any inheritance.
Most of the times I really enjoy my time over there, but recently the things started robbing me the wrong way. I don’t want to see H’s stuff there, so I put away some of it when I’m there. I’ve been asking myself this question over and over whether I still want to be there. I’ve been also contemplating to end any R with my friends over there. It is just not that simple. Sometimes I really want to see them. And sometimes it’s like salt on the wound, like you said.
I think I’m going through another phase of grief. Hopefully it will transition to full acceptance that H is really gone. I’ve got an e-mail from him today with the company file. And I was wrong assuming that he would write anything. He addressed me by name, then said that he received a message that the file was too big, so he is not sure if I received it. Then he tells me where to find this option to send/save the portable file. (So nice of him, like I could not figure it out myself. Is he bragging about his newly discovered ability to do things on the computer without my help?) Then he tells me that if I send him the company bank statements, he will reconcile them. (I was always my job before.) At the end he wrote “Hope all is well” and signed his name.
What a nice guy he’s become… I guess the silence didn’t mean he went back into the hole. Maybe it means that he’s just truly moved on and just using me for the convenience, because he is too lazy to start the legal process. Plus, he knows that he will not be able to refi the condo on his name only. He is just happy with this limbo. Until he meets that “special” woman and she will push him to do the D
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, assuming it is MLC - and from what you have said it sounds like it, it is never that simple!. He is 'showing you' he can manage on his own. It is reactive, and he also sounds pretty confused to me. And in a fog.
As for the condo - tricky. We do have to work through grief to get to the other side, and not be stuck in it, on the other hand there is no point salting the wounds. And I do get your point about keeping a foothold there.
Remember it isn't personal - it is what we represent to them. Look at GGGs thread for sheer childish irrationality - deep down they are all like this.
Thanks Bea. Somehow what you posted about this not being so simple gives me some comfort and maybe hope… I just don’t know anymore. He is miles and miles away and I have no idea what he does or how he even looks these days. These little interactions we have about business are all I have. And this is why I try to draw a picture, which is probably not so accurate.
I copied the company file into my QB. I can tell H was very conservative about spending the money on food until the FIFA started (because he is probably at the bars watching the games.) He also hasn’t made much money for the last couple of months. So, he was probably depressed, this is why the silence. I know, the speculation... I just know that H would be upset about not making the money he needs to make in order to pay for the vacation home, not even talking about him living there for more than a couple of month.
At the same time he is still nice to me. Maybe it is finally clicking that I’m not the cause of his unhappiness.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, I do believe there are degrees of MLC. If they do a lot of damage it is harder for them to return - assuming they want to. It really is a question of letting go, and being as pleasant as possible while setting boundaries.
Someone once said it is a fine line between being a b*tch and a doormat.
I think we get to the point when we ask ourselves, would I want this person back in my life? The power is with us - when we are abandoned it feels as if that person takes the power away with them, and gradually as we work on ourselves we start to believe in ourselves again.
For a long time we see ourselves through the eyes of the abandoner, as worthless, but they are wrong, not us. We are people of worth, and they are the ones with problems. Actually internalising this takes a lot of time and work, Easy to say, much harder to do.
These little interactions we have about business are all I have. And this is why I try to draw a picture, which is probably not so accurate.
Very likely he looks worse than you can imagine. Seems to be pretty common here...
Quote:
Maybe it is finally clicking that I’m not the cause of his unhappiness.
Even if it is, it's not very likely he'll tell you about it for a very long time. But Bea is right - when we're first wounded we put all the power in their hands and hope (reasonably at first) that they will make amends. When they don't, we get hurt more deeply. And we feel like the reasons they spew are true....until we realize they are not (in many cases) true.
It's gradual to be sure, but it gets faster.
Keep sifting through...
Al
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hi Bea, My W has only been gone for a little over 3 weeks. One of the things she said as to why she had to leave was because her M was just so "bad" it caused her so much anxiety that she couldn't sleep more than a few hours a night. She had to go back on AD's and still she couldn't sleep. She told me that her DR told her that as soon as she left she would be fine and could stop taking AD's right away. Well, turns out she still can't sleep. She said that she wakes every night at 3:30-4:00 AM and can't get back to sleep. So, I guess she was wrong that I or her M was the cause? Nope. She hasn't put that together. I'm betting all the reasons she left are just still going to be there but I don't expect her to ever realize that me or her M wasn't the reason. She will end up just as unhappy in the end but who knows if they will ever realize we weren't the cause. Like AJ said if they ever do start to realize this that would mean they would have to face up to all the damage and pain they caused. Better to just keep believing we were (are?) to blame. Or find a new reason that they aren't happy now and keep believing that we were the cause then even if we aren't now.
It took my W leaving a year after B-day until I really stopped being hurt by the spewing. Stop thinking maybe she's right, maybe I was an awful H. Now I'm taking that power away from her. You weren't the cause. You didn't break him. Whether he is ever able to admit this, even to himself is something we won't know unless and until it happens, if ever.
